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One of the first things that comes up whenever I come out to someone as poly is the J word.

“How do you handle the jealousy?”

“Don’t you ever get jealous?”

“I could never handle the jealousy.”

And a video I watched recently put it rather well. Jealousy is not exclusive to romantic love or sexual partners. We get jealous of colleagues, friends, siblings and even strangers. How do you deal with that jealousy? I think the common answer to that is, all kinds of ways!

The worst thing you could do is assume that being poly means never being jealous, so if you feel jealousy, you must not be truly poly. Don’t let your guilt get the better of you! Learn to listen to your jealousy, as it has some important things to teach you. You can manage this without throwing everything away.

My personal method for dealing with jealousy involves several steps. The first, I identify and name whatever is making me jealous.

Example: I’m super into my new lover. We have only been on two dates but I am already totally smitten. I’m still chatting with other people on OkC, but this is really exciting and new.  Then he tells me that he has been chatting with one of the girls I’ve been chatting with. I tell her, “Haha, a guy I’m seeing says he’s chatting with you too!” She replies that they’ve been on a couple of dates.

PANG

Ooh, that hurt.

STEP ONE: Why am I hurt?

  1. I feel slightly scared because I don’t remember him saying he went out with her. I am worried that he might have lied, and if he lied, then I might not be able to trust him.
  2.  I feel slightly let down because if he went out with someone else, maybe that diminishes my specialness.
  3. I am a little jealous that she met him first, which could mean she knows him better, and I am envious of that.

STEP TWO: I have a little chat with myself, and try to think of some other stories I could be thinking of:

  • It’s possible that he said they went out and I don’t remember. It’s possible that he isn’t sure what my boundaries are and what I want to know about. It’s possible that even if he didn’t mention it, he was using discretion for her sake rather than his own.
  • My specialness is not diminished because he found someone else to go out with. I am interested in meeting other people too. Hell, I am even thinking of asking her out too, and that doesn’t diminish his specialness to me, so this is clearly a double standard. I am amazing, whether he thinks so or not. And he has made it clear that he thinks so, so I have nothing to worry about.
  • It’s not who got there first, it’s who is there now. He also has a girlfriend, who I am not envious of. There is no reason to assume that because he went on a date with her first that she has any sort of advantage. Besides, it is not a competition. I am happy that he is meeting lots of cool people and that I am one of them. Having more people interested in him increases his value. If someone as cool as her found him attractive, then I am in good company!

STEP THREE: I create an action plan.

  • I make sure to let him know I felt like this, (using “I” statements, of course) and let him know about my boundaries about honesty so we can find some common ground and build trust (even casual relationships require some trust).
  • I remind myself how amazing I am and go catch up on my other OkC match messages.
  • I feel the feelings and recognise that they are valuable reminders to take care of my needs and make sure I am not placing too much pressure on the relationship to fill them.

This is loosely based on the ABCDE method of self-management which I learned in teacher education. It’s a valuable tool to work through strong emotional reactions and negative experiences.

A funny thing happened while I was writing this, my metamour called me to help her deal with some jealousy she was experiencing and I walked her through my process. I think it really helped her to hear how I deal with this and she said she would give my method a try. It probably didn’t hurt to know that even us old veterans of poly still experience those pangs from time to time!

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I have a confession to make. I have ADHD inattentive type. This is why I have a really hard time keeping up with this blog, and why I always seem to have something else on my mind when you’re talking to me. This is why I burst into song at random times, but also why I burst into tears when I have to do my taxes.

My story with ADHD is pretty typical for a woman my age. I wasn’t diagnosed in my teens and as a result, grew more and more withdrawn from school, but then blossomed when I got to college. I didn’t finish college, however, until after I had taken some time off and then finally got that last unit finished. I coped for years with trouble starting tasks, or finishing projects. I was kicked out of my improv troupe, not for creative differences, but for the fact that I didn’t follow through with responsibilities. But I coped. I coped with alcohol, with cannabis. I smoked cannabis to stop hating myself. I drank alcohol to kill my perfectionism and anxiety. I quit self-medicating to try to fix myself. Then as a mother, the consequences of my symptoms, which never went away, which I had never “grown out of” became much more vivid. So I finally went to a doctor and got diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type.

One of the things I’ve always wondered, especially since I got my diagnosis, is whether my ADHD brain is drawn to polyamory because I crave stimulation so badly. There are different camps on whether or not this is true, with neurotypicals mostly of the side of “NO” and ADHD-ers mostly on the side of “SHUT UP, YOU DON’T KNOW ME.” (#notalladhders) Me, I think the question posed is the wrong one. It’s not should people with ADHD pursue polyamory, but whether/why someone with ADHD might be drawn to polyamory.

polyadhd

Here’s my take.

Warning: I am not a doctor. At all. But I do know a few things about how my ADHD brain works that the average neurotypical person might not know.

Why I think ADHD makes Polyamory good for me:

The AD brain is not a broken normal brain. It is a perfectly good brain and in fact often excels at things neurotypical people might not excel at. The AD brain has a dysfunction in  norepinepherine levels and dopamine. Different types have different neurotransmitter dysfunctions, though it’s mostly these two involved. Limerence, NRE or whatever you like to call that first flush of love in a new relationship raises your levels of dopamine, something the AD brain craves. Our desire for dopamine is what drives many of us to overeat, or to become addicted to social media (who, me?).

I crave novelty and stimulation, and this means when those neurotransmitters level off, I can still love someone, but I start to get new crushes all the time. This is what led me to believe I had a sex addiction a decade ago. ADHDers also have intense emotion and intense focus (called hyper-focus) when we really like something. When you have our attention, you feel like the centre of the universe. And that can make for a rewarding and exciting relationship.

One of the symptoms I have is that I don’t do subtlety well. I like things to be up front and open. Passive aggression is deadly in polyamory and I have no tolerance for it. This means I can come off as blunt to some people, but I prefer people who are open and honest about how they feel. This requires emotional intelligence and resilience, which I have found polyamorous people to have in abundance.

Why I think ADHD makes Polyamory a minefield for me:

Another aspect of my perfectly wonderful and magical AD brain is executive function dysfunction. Executive functions are the brain’s secretary. They involve working memory, organisation, activation, sustaining focus, impulse control and the ability to prioritise tasks among other things. Not everyone with Executive Function Deficit has ADHD and vice versa. But for me, this is where my AD brain really lets me down, and what drives people to believe ADHDers make terrible poly partners.

The ability to plan and prioritise is essential in a poly relationship. You have to juggle a lot of balls, time-wise, and this can let you down. There is also the “out of sight, out of mind” problem with the AD brain, which can make some partners feel unloved or uncared for. If someone is untreated or undiagnosed, this can come off as “flaky” or even apathetic. However, once we learn what is expected, or even set up clear routines and reminders, we can overcome this problem. Sometimes, if someone is aware of their ADHD and has set up their organisation sufficiently, they may excel at it.

We sometimes don’t pick up on subtle signals, so communication sometimes takes more effort and need things to be spelled out very clearly, especially when it comes to expectations. We may be intuitive and sensitive, but we don’t always know what to do. We get overwhelmed easily by things and can give up or withdraw when things get too hard. For me, my emotions are so intense they take me time to process before I can talk about them. This makes emotional discussions with Husband difficult, especially if he initiates it. I just hear the emotion first, then it takes me a few minutes to process the actual words. It’s not easy, it is frustrating, but we manage.

What is the verdict?

It’s possible that someone with ADHD will find themselves drawn to non-monogamy or even polyamory, but whether or not they thrive depends on how well they can manage themselves, their partners’ expectations and how honest they are with themselves about how their brain works. ADHD or neurotypical, polyamorous or monogamous, everyone and every relationship has its blessings and challenges. It takes willingness to accept yourself and your partner(s), and willingness to work hard and grow as a person to make any relationship work. It’s a journey and not a destination, and anyone who thinks polyamory will solve all their problems only knows about half their problems.

search

I had a look through my top search terms and below some very specific ones, i.e. people looking for me specifically, this question was closest to the top. I thought I’d try it out in Google and my page, in fact, is in the top ten when I type this phrase in.

So I’ll try to answer this question as best as I can.

First of all, there are authors out there who know a hell of a lot more about this stuff than I do. Their wisdom is humbling. Start off by doing some research.

Here’s a basic reading list of books:

Blogs to check out:

As for my advice, based on my own experiences, there are some key points to ask yourself if you’re wondering whether to explore polyamory.

What are your views about sex?

Do you believe that sex is fun, natural and an important part of life? Do you feel that it is a need, something that you have a right to have fulfilled? Is it something you can do without and still feel fulfilled? Do you have any guilt or shame associated with sex, alternative sex practices, homosexuality or paraphilias? Are you currently with a partner who for whatever reason, leaves you feeling sexually unfulfilled? Is polyamory appealing to you because you want to have sex with more than one person, or because you feel constrained within a monogamous relationship? Is your partner’s pleasure important to you? How would you feel if your partner had better sexual chemistry with someone other than you?

The reason these are important questions is because sex is a big part of this. If you are able to honestly assess your sexuality, and openly talk about sex, polyamory will be a lot easier for you. If you have any discomfort about sex, either your own sex life or that of any of your partners, that’s something to work on.

All that said, it’s possible you are not a very sexual person. Maybe you are asexual or demisexual. This does not mean you have to miss out on multiple loves. I have met several people with low sex drives who still live a poly lifestyle. The best part of that is, they do not have to have ‘perfect’ sexual chemistry with each of their partners. They are happy for their partner to find sexual chemistry with someone else, and are happy to have the pressure off them to be more sexual than they want to be.

Are you an honest person?

Do you share everything with your partners? How do you feel about ‘little white lies’ or lying to protect someone’s feelings? Are you able to talk about things which are uncomfortable, awkward or unpleasant? Do you like to keep certain things to yourself, or preserving some privacy?

Honesty is very, very important in polyamory. I cannot stress this enough. If you feel that people have a right to their secrets, or that someone doesn’t have a right to know about something that doesn’t directly affect them, then maybe polyamory is not right for you. I’m not saying there isn’t a place for privacy in polyamory, it’s just that it is something each couple (or triad or whatever configuration) needs to negotiate for themselves. If you prefer a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell arrangement, your partner needs to be comfortable with that. If you don’t want to know details, then if your partner is a sharer, you’re going to have conflict. You just can’t base a decision about whether to share information on how you feel in the moment, whether because of fear of judgement or because witholding that information gives you power. You also cannot make assumptions about what someone ‘needs to know’ or ‘has a right to know’ for them. These kinds of things are best sorted out before there is anything to know. For me, it’s better to err on the side of over-sharing than under-sharing. Nothing feels worse to me than feeling like I’m not getting the whole story. Some people don’t need to know everything, so long as they feel loved and trust that their partner is practicing safe sex. In all cases, lying, either by falsehood or omission takes away a person’s consent, even if that lie is with the best of intentions.

Are you a good communicator?

Do you choose your words carefully? Do you speak your mind without a filter? Can you clearly express your thoughts and ideas, or do you often find yourself struggling to find the right words and often say the wrong thing? When you’re unclear on somebody’s meaning, do you ask them to clarify or do you assume you know what they mean and act accordingly? Are you good at reading someone’s actions when their words don’t add up, and do you ask questions to make sure you don’t misinterpret them?

Communication is hard. If we could hook up our brains to cables, and transmit our thoughts in binary, polyamory would be a walk in the park. Sometimes, even then there would be miscommunications. Sometimes, it’s easy to take what people say at face value. Personally, I’m a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of person, and I sometimes miss important information because I listen to what people say rather than reading their actions. I’m getting better at doing the latter, and I’ve been able to avoid some conflict because of this. Communication is essential in creating trust and establishing consent.

How good is your emotional intelligence?

Do you usually know how you feel? Are you able to articulate your feelings or do you tend to react before you think about them? Do you respect the feelings of others, or do you think someone’s feelings are their own problem? Do you allow yourself to have feelings, or do you suppress them to avoid conflict?

As a mother, I’m starting to try to teach my son to identify and express his emotions in a healthy way. I’d rather he say, “I’m angry” than throw things or hit another child. Tantrums are expressions of emotions: frustration, anger, fear, loss, rejection and even embarrassment. In adulthood, we do some of the same things, or we punish people around us for making us feel negative things. Maybe we don’t throw Lego blocks around the room, but we might yell and kick the furniture. We might threaten violence, or use our emotions as a weapon.

In polyamory, we often talk about ‘owning your emotions’ as a key to avoiding jealousy. Jealousy itself is a sign of other, deeper emotions and insecurities. When you own your emotions, you don’t hold them back, saying, “don’t worry about me, I’m just feeling ____.” Or worse, keeping them to yourself because it’s not how you’re “supposed to” feel or you have “no right” to feel that way. This can be very hard to overcome. The ability to identify, communicate and negotiate your emotions is extremely important, and if it’s something you don’t do naturally, you’ve got to be willing to work on it, to try to improve and to forgive others when they mess things up. Owning your emotions means you are able to say “I am feeling some anxiety whenever you’re out with ____, and I’m afraid I’m going to be replaced. This is my own issue and I’m trying to get over it, but it would help me if you call and check in if you’re staying overnight, just until I start feeling more secure.” Statement of feelings, admission that this is not the other person’s fault, and a suggestion of a solution.

By contrast, “I don’t like you staying out with ____. You shouldn’t stay out overnight without checking in.” Doesn’t identify any feelings, and instead of a request, it’s prescriptive and suggests the other person should already have known this would be a problem. Another bad thing would be: “That was really rude that you didn’t check in last night. That made me feel really anxious and I couldn’t sleep.” Here we have an expression of emotions, but also punishment for unspoken expectations, judgement and blaming the other person for those emotions. And possibly the absolute worst. “I’m glad you had fun last night. Don’t worry about me, I was just at home crying in my empty bed while you were out planning your new life with ____.” Gee, passive aggressive much?

Do you know where your boundaries are?

How many second, third or X number of chances do you tend to give? Is there any behaviour that is a hard limit for you? The truth is, in poly relationships people are going to make mistakes. You are going to make mistakes too. Can you forgive these mistakes in others and in yourself? Without a dictated social script, you are going to have to define your boundaries for yourself. I’ve written about rules and boundaries before, and it’s still a very important topic.

I have found my hard limit is dishonesty. Also, breaking a safe sex agreement is difficult for me to get over. Actions that repeatedly show a disregard for or insensitivity to my limits and feelings, another. Even within these, I can be flexible and forgiving. I just need to be assured that the person is willing to work on things, and if it is clear to me they are not, if I get a lot of apologies and not a lot of change, then it’s time to part ways. An important lesson I’ve learned about apologies is that if you are not willing to have someone turn down your apology, it was never a real apology.

Do you know any other polyamorous people?

There are poly enclaves in every city I’ve lived in, with varying levels of cohesion. Sometimes there is just a pocket of a few interconnected folks, sometimes it’s an assumed part of another sub-culture (I’ve found this in the kink community – rather than an assumption of monogamy, there is an assumption of non-monogamy). There are many online communities and groups around. The poly community on Reddit is very active and there are many private and public Facebook groups. But not everyone is comfortable being part of the ‘polyamorous community’. There can be pressure to define yourself by this one facet of your life. There is also usually drama, and often there can be factions and splits.

Whether or not I have been a part of a ‘poly community,’ I’ve always found it helpful to have at least one poly friend who is neither a lover or a metamour. Someone who I can talk to about poly relationship issues who is not directly or indirectly involved. Being a lonely poly island is difficult and it helps to have someone you trust who may have been through similar trials.

——

Well, I hope that helps. Keep in mind, this list is based on my own experience and preferences. There are a lot of experts out there who might say different things, and it’s important to find the advice that applies to you.

What about you, reader? What advice would you give someone who is just starting out? What sites, groups, books would you recommend?

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polystory

I was re-watching Toy Story with my little one recently and I couldn’t help but notice, there are a few lessons in there that are applicable to conversations about polyamory.

Woody says at the beginning “It doesn’t matter who Andy plays with the most, so long as we’re all here for him when he needs us.” Which is easy for him to say when he’s Andy’s “primary” toy. With the inevitable arrival of Buzz, Woody loses his status as Andy’s favourite. He loses his sense of ‘specialness’ when Andy is playing more with his new toy.

For all his speeches about being “there for Andy,” he acts selfishly because of our favourite foe: Jealousy.Woody’s jealousy gets the best of him when he tries to get Buzz out of the picture.

The rest of the movie, he tries to redeem himself by rescuing Buzz and restoring him to Andy’s toy collection. Eventually, Woody’s love for Andy allows him to see Buzz’s value: Buzz makes Andy happy. We the audience also see Andy’s side. Sure he takes Woody for granted, but when he can’t find his oldest and dearest toy, he’s distraught. Andy is able to love more than one toy. By the time we get to the end of Toy Story 3, we see that Andy too is able, finally to share his treasured toys with someone he feels he can trust.

Next time you are having trouble explaining how jealousy works in a polyamorous relationship, just turn to our good friends at Pixar.

Lego Family

In the past, when I’ve dated someone who is new to polyamory, there has been a period of helping them come to terms with the experience. Polyamory is still an exciting new thing, and often it is misunderstood, or even scary to new people. However, it is not entirely alien. When you think about it, dating a poly person is a lot like dating a single parent. Not everybody is up for the responsibility of dating a single parent, and similarly there are challenges when dating a poly person. If you were dating a single parent, you wouldn’t expect the same things as when dating a child-free person; a single parent’s responsibilities don’t disappear as soon as you enter the picture. The same is true of a poly person.

So, as a service to the next person interested in dating this Poly Momma (hint: I’m available!), I’ve assembled a list of advice, adapted from these lists of advice for dating single parents.  (Warning: Although I’ve tried to make this advice general, I have a primary relationship and a young child, and my list may be biased toward that experience.)

1. Ask yourself: Am I willing to be in a relationship with someone who has other relationships? (Duh.)  Am I willing to enter into a relationship with these other people (metamours)? This is important because you cannot separate the poly person from their other partners. If you are dating a poly person, their other partners will be part of the picture at some point. This doesn’t mean you have to be best friends, nor do you have to date them (unless that’s specifically what has been arranged), but it’s best if you can, at the very least, sit down to dinner with them (or better yet, play Scrabble with them!). If they insist you stay completely separate from their other partner, that is a huge red flag, as it really limits the relationship you can have with your partner. Make sure you know what their boundaries are, and really ask yourself whether those boundaries are fair for you.

2. Check your neediness quotient. Often, the attention, time and resources that a poly person devotes to their other partners can make one feel jealous or resentful. Are you self-assured and independent enough to accept that their other partners will need time and attention too?  In other relationships, you may have been able to gauge a person’s feelings for you by how much time and energy they put into your relationship. When you’re dating a poly person, this isn’t necessarily the case. Poly people may not have the time to see you as often as they’d like, and it’s not always as simple as synchronising Google calendars (ha! simple). Instead of taking the limits on time as a slight, learn to look for other expressions of their feelings for you. That said, if your sense of specialness is dependent on being the centre of somebody’s world, then maybe you should look elsewhere for affection.

3. Stay clear of any drama with their other partners. If there’s tension with their other partners, let your partner handle it. If it makes you uncomfortable, let your partner know that you’re not going to take sides. Polyamory can be really difficult because so often, there is little support from outsiders, and it can be very easy to lean on the support of other partners. Of course you can support them and encourage them, but don’t contact their partner on their behalf or gang up on the other partner.  Setting yourself up as an adversary only leads to future problems. If things get really bad, try to encourage your partner to seek help from a neutral party.

4. Be supportive and trustworthy. What can you do to be supportive when called upon? Be the kind of partner who can listen to the things they’re going through without trying to “solve” things. If something can be done, think about what you might want if the situation were reversed. Has your new relationship taken any resources away from their existing one(s)? Is there anything you could do to help things along? Showing your partner that you care about their other relationships is a great way to build trust. 

Sometimes, you may need to give them the space to sort things out on their own. If things are not going well in one relationship, it’s best to let the parties involved deal with it, even if it means slowing things down or even stepping away for a bit. That said, if you’re having trouble in your relationship with your partner, sometimes it’s ok to ask your metamours for advice, often, they may be able to offer perspective on the situation that you might not have considered.

Also, if a partner completely shuts down your relationship in order to ‘focus on their primary’, that’s officially a really shitty thing to do and you have every right to be upset about it. And at any time, if you feel your good nature is being taken for granted or taken advantage of, it’s ok to express your feelings about this, and if your feelings are dismissed or ignored, it is reasonable to walk away. You deserve to be treated with respect. More Than Two has a great article going into greater depth on the topic of the ‘Primary/Secondary’ dynamic, including the Secondary’s Bill of Rights. 

5. Appreciate feelings of reservation. Speaking from my own experience, it’s possible the poly person you are interested in may have been hurt before. Their current partner(s) may eve be leery of letting someone new into their lives. They may worry that there won’t be enough resources to go around or have other insecurities. Don’t take it personally. Simply understand these feelings may exist and that it is not about you.

6. Listen to your intuition. If it doesn’t feel right for you, say something. If talking about it doesn’t make it go away, it could be that you are just not suited to an open relationship. This is nothing to be ashamed of! If you can’t find a way for your needs to be met, then there is no shame in saying it is not for you. Sure, it may be that you miss out on your new poly sweetie, but think of how many other monogamous fish there are in that sea! On the other hand, don’t let anyone tell you your relationship is wrong if it feels right to you. You may enjoy the feeling of being in an open/poly style relationship and the last thing you need are people raining on your parade.

7. Have fun! Once you have managed to thread your way through some of these obstacles that are inherent when dating a poly person, relax and enjoy the experience. Multiple loves can be as rewarding and fulfilling as monogamous relationships, and for some of us, even more so!

This is a question that came up for me today after I engaged a lad on OkCupid in some ill-advised discussion.

okc
Normally, I just delete any messages from someone with less than 90% match percentage if they just ask for casual sex straight off the bat. But for some reason this morning, I decided to engage.
“Thanks but no thanks,” I replied. “That’s not what I’m here for.”
Rather than leave the issue alone, this fellow decided to press further. “Why are you here then?”
“Have you read my profile? It’s all in there. I spent a lot of time writing it.”
“Yeah I read it. But what I want to know how these things start out.”
“It’s all there. I am NOT interested in casual sex. If you don’t know how adult relationships work, then please move on.”
“I know how they work. You meet up with someone, then if you hit it off, you have sex right away. Then maybe something grows from there.”

My next reply was simply “Wow. No. Bye.” and a friendly BLOCK.

I had to hand it to this dude though, he had a point.

Many of my relationships did start out like that. Hell, my MARRIAGE started out like that. But to come right out and expect that, to assume that you can just come right out and ask for that, is a pretty bold and foolhardy strategy.
I’ll allow that this dude was young and clueless but what has stuck with me is why his no-frills approach bothered me so much.

Here’s my theory. It assumes, first of all, that I am going to have sex with him. That is a pretty big assumption. I’m going to guess that this guy (I barely even looked at his picture, much less his profile) has no problem hooking up with women in real life. He’s probably good looking, fit, handsome, employed, possibly a musician (drummer?) so in real life, he is set. Unfortunately, online, all I have to go from is his message, which was all bad grammar, SMS abbreviations and lack of punctuation (I cleaned it up for this post), which says to me “HELLO, I BREATHE THROUGH MY MOUTH AND CAN DRESS MYSELF.” So while his usual strategy of “hook up, then hope for more” might work in the real world, it doesn’t work online where your ability to write a coherent message can make or break your game.

The next assumption is that the only reason someone uses an online dating site is to look for random sex partners. It’s probably why he uses it, but not everybody does. Some of us use online dating sites so that we can reach out to like-minded people and narrow the field to people with common interests, then, after chatting and then sharing a coffee, make a new friend who could be a potential lover. Some people use online dating sites because they are awkward making small talk and reading someone’s profile gives them an easier time making conversation: there’s all the material right there so you know where to start. There are also people who have very specific needs and want to be upfront about those things in an online profile so they don’t risk meeting someone who won’t be able to fulfill those needs.

The third and most irritating assumption that this dingus made is that he can just straight up ASK for sex without any context. I might have given him a bit more credit if he had at least said,
“Hey, I love your list of movies. Wes Anderson is a genius! Have you seen Bottle Rocket? I’ve gotten really into American Indie directors. Have a look at the list on my profile if you’re interested.
By the way, I think you’re really sexy. If you feel the same about me, I think it might be fun to hook up. Who knows? It could turn into something more…”

I might still politely decline, but at least that would acknowledge that I am more than a walking vagina with the potential of being something more.
Is it really that hard to say something about WHAT you are attracted to instead of assuming I will just be flattered that you find me fuckable? That might work on 18-25 year olds, but I’m old enough to know that I don’t have to be pretty, or interesting or sexy or even necessarily sapient or conscious for someone out there to want to fuck me. I have a vagina. End of criteria for most straight dudes.
Women are raised to think that getting a guy’s attention is the ultimate goal of their lives. I bought into that for most of my life. But you know what? Dicks are not scarce. There is no shortage of dicks out there. I am happy to say I need more than that now.

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