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Safer Sex Conversations: Not that difficult

27/03/2013 by noblecaboose

mallard1

“So, do you want to hear my safer sex speech?”

“…ok.”

“Great! Here’s my speech. The last time I was tested was [_____], and I was tested for [_____] and [____]. I tested negative/positive/was treated for [_____]. I have [____] and I can’t guarantee I won’t give it to you, so if that is a problem, then I’m sorry but that means we can’t [_____]. I’ve had [____] sexual partners and right now I have [____] partners (our relationship agreement is that we are poly/mono/open/swingers/etc. which means [___]). I am currently on/not on hormonal birth control, but I still insist on using barrier methods for [______] sex. I am open to using barrier methods for [____] but not for [_____]. I really like [______] but I’m not into [_____]. What about you?”

I got this awesome idea from this YouTube video called Reid’s Saver Sex Elevator Speech. It’s by Reid Mihalko and honestly it was a huge turn on.

I thought I might try it if I ever date again.

What’s surprising is that there are people, mostly guys (that I know of), mostly younger than me, who don’t seem to be all that concerned about safer sex. It’s like they don’t think it matters, or think it’s too hard to have that conversation so they just pin the responsibility on their partner and let her call the shots. Well, as the Actual Advice Mallard up at the top reminds us, relying on your partner to set the safer sex standards for a sexual encounter means you’re leaving major decisions about your health – and if you are poly, the health of a whole community of people – to someone else. It’s up to YOU to take responsibility for your safer sex decisions. The only person whose safer sex decisions you can trust are your OWN. The only actions you know about for sure are YOUR OWN.

“But it’s too hard. It’s embarrassing. It’s not how I do things.”

You know what’s a more awkward conversation to have? Telling someone you tested positive for an STI. That is a shitty conversation to have. And if you are non-monogamous, you have to have that conversation with a lot of people. And some of them will never trust you again.

But it’s not all doom and gloom!

If you front-load this conversation, and have it as early as possible, you can have ALL THE SEX! Think how awesome that would be!

And the best part, if it scares someone off, well, then maybe you’re not on the same page and you deserve better.

About these ads

Posted in polyamory, sex | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

“Nice Guys” vs guys who are nice.

06/03/2013 by noblecaboose

I don’t have a problem with guys who are nice. Nice people are great. Awesome, even. Some of my closer friends are guys who also happen to be nice.

However, one person, an acquaintance really, decided to remove himself from the fold of my Facebook friends because I posted a link to this article on Wired. The article is a gentle yet witty bit of advice to those individuals who describe themselves as ‘nice guys’:

If you are describing yourself as “nice” you are like one of those tiny motels where the sign out front just says “Air Conditioning — Color TV.” You are saying “I have nothing to recommend me other than a bare minimum level of acceptability.”

I found it amusing and posted it because the topic of “Nice Guys” is one I find amusing and irritating.

However, this ‘friend’ of mine first commented that he strongly identified with the subject of the article, and felt like it was personally attacking him. After two of my female friends commented in support of the article, he responded by accusing (them or the article, I’m still not sure, having deleted the comments) of making generalisations and not knowing him at all (and, further, cussing me out). Then, before I could respond, he promptly unfriended me.

Which was odd. Because for one thing, this ‘friend’ was not someone I regularly interact with. With his reaction, he made some pretty broad assumptions about my attitude and the article’s intentions, which, had he known me and the topic a bit better, he would probably not have made. For another thing, not the first article I’ve posted over the last two years on the topic of ‘Nice Guys’. And it was, by far, the least harsh and most forgiving.

What I would have said to this ‘friend’ before his, in my opinion unwarranted, reaction, was this:

The problem isn’t that some guys are nice. It’s that there are some guys out there who think ‘nice’ is enough of a rubric to attract a mate. Who think that being nice entitles them to a happy ending. Who think that because they are nice, their romantic feelings should automatically be reciprocated. THOSE ARE THE GUYS THE ARTICLE IS REFERRING TO.  If the attitude I described above doesn’t apply to you, then you are not part of the problem. Guys who are shy, meek, timid, introverted or in other ways possibly labelled as ‘nice’ but actually, when you get to know them, are, funny, talented, intelligent, kind and caring: you’re ok. I shouldn’t have to say it, but yeah: If you’re nice but you don’t think that means a guaranteed ticket to pantyland, then these articles aren’t about you.

Sadly, ‘nice’ is not enough. There are plenty of guys who do have a lot more to offer than ‘nice’ and being nice – as in kind, considerate, caring, understanding, forgiving, warm, cuddly – is a plus. But it is not, and in my opinion should not be, enough in itself.

Part of the problem is that too often, a clear definition of what ‘nice’ means is difficult to ascertain. I’ll tell you a story.

Years ago, I lowered my standards in order to get more sex.
Then later, I raised my standards, but lowered my relationship needs.
Being ‘nice’ has never counted against a guy.
Being boring, clingy, needy, and giving too much too soon, have definitely counted against a guy (as stated in this article from The Attractive Arts).
However, those traits could have been viewed, by those guys, as part of being ‘nice.’
Maybe to them what I see as boring (likes top 40 music, Dan Brown and romantic comedies) could be just that we’re into different things. What I see as clingy (calling five times a day, insisting on coming with me everywhere), they see as romantic. What they see as affectionate and caring (bringing flowers to a first date, telling me they love me on the second date, putting me on a pedestal), I see as needy or giving too much too soon.
It’s all a matter of perspective.
But if you treat women like equal human beings and don’t treat them like “vending machines where if you put in enough Nice, sex comes out,” then hey, you might actually be a nice person and not just a ‘nice guy.’ And maybe, just maybe, you can calm down and realise the world doesn’t hate you, but it doesn’t owe you anything either.

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Just for fun: Angry Breakup Blog Roundup

17/02/2013 by noblecaboose

Ever since the Cheatocalypse (the nickname I’m giving the incredibly toxic breakup I went through last year), I’ve been especially tuned into angry posts on other peoples’ blogs about breakups. Since I probably won’t do anything more harsh than my breakup-via-blog-post that I already did, here are a couple of great posts on other people’s blogs:

Year of the Psycho Butch – on superbushpig

Favorite Quote:

“PB TIP NO. 5 - beware of an immediate accord. Why are you connecting so hard so fast with an immediate stranger? Because you are both faking it, madly projecting and not at all revealing who you are….”

How to Go No Contact – on A Femme in NYC

Favorite Quote:

“8. Don’t fall into the trap of having to defend yourself –s/he may write something on your Facebook wall if you haven’t unfriended her, talk about you at her AA meetings, and play the Scott Peterson card so that everyone thinks s/he is the nice guy and you are a callous bitch for dumping her. People who don’t know you well may feel the need to approach you to tell you what a c*** you are. Let it go.”

If I find more I’ll add them to the list.

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Poly ‘Single’

17/02/2013 by noblecaboose

Is someone still polyamorous if she is not actively seeking out new partners?

Is someone still polyamorous if she isn’t in a relationship?

Is someone still considered bisexual if they’ve never been in a same sex/opposite sex relationship?

Is someone considered bisexual if they’re in a monogamous same sex/oppposite sex relationship?

These questions have been coming up a lot lately. Right now, I’m what I call poly single. As I am only in one relationship, and not interested in pursuing any other romantic relationships, I am, for all practical purposes, monogamous. I still consider myself polyamorous, but just not really playing the game right now.

I got my heart broken pretty badly last year. Someone I trusted hurt me worse than anyone ever has, then my two fledgeling follow-up relationships didn’t make it past the six month mark. I have turned my attention to some things I’ve been neglecting for a long time, and I started a seriously intense graduate course at university, so I don’t really have time for the level of distraction and emotional investment romantic relationships usually require.

Does this still make me poly? I took part in another radio show on Q Radio’s Friday Night Lip Service, on identifying as queer while in an outwardly ‘straight’ relationship, and the host of the show spoke about her respect for people who could be invisible, but choose to be visible. In a way, she said, it’s even more brave because you have the option of being ‘normal’ and ‘passing’ but you choose to out yourself when it’s not an imperative.

But I still struggle with the question of authenticity. Can I really speak as a queer voice when I don’t suffer the same kind of discrimination? When I don’t have to come out? When my stakes aren’t as high?

I still don’t have any answers.

Posted in bisexuality, polyamory, relationships | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments »

Polyamory on the Radio!

15/11/2012 by noblecaboose

Well I’m quite chuffed to say I got to do my part to contribute to poly-visibility!

I was recently asked to be on a local radio station’s Friday night show, Friday Night Lip Service (site seems to be down, so no link) to speak about my experiences with polyamory. There were quite a few people in the studio but I ended up being one of the main talkers. It’s hard to shut me up, I guess! We covered a variety of topics and I repeatedly plugged this site, so some readers may have already heard it. Afterward, I was asked if I wanted to be a regular on the show, and I said yes! Between that, my husband, my son, my girlfriend, my boyfriend and a play that I signed on to do, I think I officially have overcommitted myself now. Ah well, at least things are going well on all fronts and I’m a happy momma.

I haven’t listened yet, but I felt like I did a good job representing, at the very least, my own opinions!

Here’s a link to the show!

Hope you enjoy!

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A New Leaf: New Relationships and New Beginnings

08/10/2012 by noblecaboose

Garden fork and seedlings

Free image courtesy of Simon Howden/Freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

 

Today the little one and I did a bit of planting. I had already conditioned the soil, mixing in some composted cow poo and mixed it with the existing clay-like soil until it was nice and dark and settled in. Today, we stirred it up, planted heaps of rainbow chard, plus some corn and strawberries, and mulched the top. As I scooped the handfuls of wet sugar cane straw onto the soil, I felt good. I imagined the harvest that would come, and was happy with my choices.

 

 

 

Last year, my vegetable garden was somewhat of a disaster. I planted too many tomatoes, and it completely overgrew my patch, choking everything else out. I also planted too late and so when I the tomatoes were ripening it was already starting to frost. This year, I stuck to a veggie I know I like, which can be harvested for a long season. And it looks nice too, so if I don’t harvest it all, at least it’s decorative.

In my love life, I’ve started two new relationships. One has been going on for a couple of months now, and is going surprisingly well. The other is new, but with a friend I’ve known for some time and we’re trying out a new direction in our relationship. In both cases, I’ve taken things quite slowly. In both cases, I’ve chosen people who are committed to an open-style relationship and they both have existing primary partners. They’re also people with whom I have a lot of common interests and passions, and who offer a lot of new things in my life. And in both of these new relationships, these people have been open and honest with me, have enjoyed sharing things about themselves; their lives, their passions and their quirks. (Intimacy is my kink.) So I think the future is looking pretty bright.

And so, I’m happy. A new garden and new sweeties.

I just need to find some good recipes for rainbow chard. Like, a million of them. 

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Throwing out the junk.

28/08/2012 by noblecaboose

There’s a great feeling when you finally throw out something that is broken.

Recently, I took a look at the top shelf in my kitchen. Sitting up there since I moved in was my food processor. It has been broken for about three years. At some point, it ceased to have multiple speeds and only went into superfastohmygodwhatfreshhellisthis when I turned it on. It was out of its warranty period, but I thought, maybe, I could take it to a repair place and they could fix it. I mean, it had so many attachments, could potentially make my life easier and I had so many recipes I used to use it with! Just the memory of those perfectly sliced vegetables, that cheese grated in the blink of an eye, and meatloaf mixed in seconds was enough to convince me I couldn’t throw it away. Never mind that the last thing I tried to use it on turned into liquified mush and un-processed chunks and was completely inedible. Never mind that someone else had used it to pulp recycled paper and the blades were dulled beyond repair. Never mind that it just. Didn’t. Work. Never mind that I had found something else to do the same job (maybe not as well, but still serviceably and better in other ways).

So there I was, standing in my kitchen staring up at my food processor. And I thought of Boyfriend. Well, until recently, he was my boyfriend. We broke up. More to the point, I broke up with him. Yet I still wanted him in my life. But I didn’t really. I mean, I wanted the person I thought he was. But he was broken. He had hurt me very badly, and very severely damaged my trust to a point beyond repair. But I wanted to keep him on a shelf, until he somehow proved to me that he wasn’t broken. That he could be repaired. That he really was the person I thought he was, somewhere under the cowardice, the deceit, and the selfishness, there was someone who actually cared about me and who I could trust to be open with me. But then I thought, what could he do? Was there really anything that could fix things? And did I really want to put the effort into it, especially when every time I saw his face or a picture of his face, I was having panic attacks? When I had already lost over 10 lbs from the stress and anxiety of trying to work things out?

Was I ever going to take that stupid broken food processor to the repair place?

No.

And so, I took it down off the shelf and chucked it into the skip, along with all the attachments.

Ex-boyfriend is still friends on FaceBook, but he’s no longer in my news feed and I don’t see us being friends in real-life.

And I sleep better now. And I’m eating again. And there is a place on my shelf for something better.

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , | 5 Comments »

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