I get asked a lot about polyamory by people considering the lifestyle who want to know how it works, being in a committed non-monogamous relationship. In reply, I usually send them some version of this answer:
The way we’ve made it work can be summed up in a word: honesty.
In more words, and a deeper explanation: We try to be completely honest, not only with each other, but with ourselves. Part of that is owning our emotions. It’s never, “You made me feel this way, how could you?” It’s “I feel this way about what you did. How can we work out a way to fix this?” Neither of us is naturally jealous, and we entered into our relationship as an open couple. When we met, we were both seeing other people and we fell in love while pursuing other relationships. We knew that monogamy wouldn’t work for us even though we were crazy about each other, and if we were going to be together it was best to acknowledge that. As a result, it’s the strongest relationship either of us has ever been in.
We have some ground rules or guidelines we try to follow. For instance: use protection until both parties have been tested, meet each other’s lovers if possible before pursuing anything, no sneaking around, no drunken hookups (unless previously arranged, as in “I’m going out tonight, and I’ll be drinking so I might hook up”), I don’t want to hear details unless I ask, don’t use a second lover as a way to escape from our problems at home, and our relationship comes first (no secondary partner can take priority over our primary). But every couple should have their own boundaries and those boundaries need to be respected. If those rules/boundaries are broken or pushed, there needs to be full disclosure and like with any jealous feelings, it’s about taking ownership.
One of the best things about being polyamorous, is taking joy in seeing your partner happy with someone else. This is sometimes known as compersion and it’s the antithesis of jealousy.
New Relationship Energy (or NRE) is that heady cocktail of hormones and emotion that you get when there’s someone new in your life. The best part about it is that it spills over into your existing relationships. Instead of lessening them, it can actually infuse them with new life and strengthen them.
There are plenty of problems that can arise in a poly relationship, so don’t ever think it’s an “easy way” to go. Poly life makes things much more complicated. Relationships between two people are hard enough, and when more people enter the equation, the difficulty rises exponentially! It takes hard work and commitment like any relationship. Complete honesty is not easy! We’ve had our problems (some of which happened when I got in the middle of fights between my husband and his ‘secondary’) and hard times, too.
I highly recommend reading The Ethical Slut as a good guide to polyamory. It’s full of very helpful advice and lots of stories of couples that have made it work.
I’ve actually sort of changed my tune about the whole ‘Our relationship comes first’ thing.
It’s never been really a concrete rule and things don’t work like that.
Basically, it has come down to this: we have certain responsibilities in our relationship. As a full time, stay-at-home mum, I have housework and childcare duties. As an equal partner in our marriage, I have certain household management obligations. If these things are covered, I can go out and have fun with my other partner.
If I’m not fulfilling my obligations at home, then I really don’t feel right about going out.
In fact, the idea that our relationship needs to be ‘protected’ in some way is a bit silly. I don’t feel like that at all and I’d even go so far as to say if your ‘primary’ relationship needs ‘protecting’ maybe you should address what is making you insecure before you open it up.
Perhaps a more accurate description is that we don’t get involved with people who are unable to accept and respect our current relationships.
By the same token, when either of us starts a new relationship, we make sure we make allowances for that relationship to grow and flourish. We support each other while still keeping an eye out for any early signs of dysfunction.
In fact, I think I may have been wrong about calling these ‘rules’ at all.
We are constantly negotiating and discussing things. It’s one of the things that makes our relationship so strong.
Another thing I’d like to add is that I was wrong about poly making things harder or more complicated. It’s not any more complicated than monogamy, really. At least, it’s not that polyamory itself is complicated or difficult. With polyamory or monogamy your relationship is only as good as the people involved. It’s about what skills you bring to the relationship. If you are involved with someone who lacks good relationship skills, mono or poly, it’s not going to work out. Similarly if you are insecure, monogamy may seem like an easy way to deal with your insecurity, but it always ends up showing its ugly face at some point. Maybe polyamory just forces some of these things to the surface sooner, but it does not mean the relationships are more complicated.
Exactly, I would actually list “polyamory is complicated/difficult” as one of the things I consider a myth (at least for my relationships). My relationship with my “primary” partner is ten times easier since becoming poly.
Polyamory is assumed to be complicated/difficult because it involves more people. But actually it turns out to be about as complicated/difficult as monogamy. While you have more partners to support, you have more partners supporting you, and your partners have more partners to support them. So more people does not equal more difficulty (in fact I am less stressed because now during the times where I cannot be there for my partners [due to work or other commitments] they have other partners to draw upon for support.
Also I’ve noticed that everyone in our poly network is far more invested in supporting each other’s relationships than your average friend/family member would be. I am very supportive of my fiance’s relationship with his girlfriend, because if their relationship is strong, it means he is a happier and less stressed person which benefits me when I am in a relationship with him. So definitely this is essential: “we don’t get involved with people who are unable to accept and respect our current relationships”. So it is easier to maintain a healthy relationship when you have a support network who want to see it succeed.
The hardest things about polyamory are not so much to do with the actual relationship arrangement but more the world external to the relationship, for example:
– being in the closet (for example at work, if I bring up mine or my fiance’s extra partners, its not really the setting to explain it properly) – but it feels disrespectful to my amazing “secondary” relationships to not be able to talk about how amazing they are, especially if they themselves still prefer to be closeted from now.
– dealing with the accusations that you must not truly love/respect your partners unless you were monogamous with them, or that your polyamorous relationship is somehow less than if it was monogamous, or that there must be problems in your relationship if you can’t make monogamy work. As well as assumptions that you are greedy/selfish/immature
– it can be hard if your partner is having issues with one of their partners (and these relationship issues that they are having are normally no different to issues within a monogamous relationship), because you want to help because you don’t like to see your partner stressed but its also none of your business and not something you have any control over, and especially if you are friends with their partner then you start worrying you could lose your friendship with that person.
– having to communicate all the time over every little detail, having to ask for what you want, having to own your feelings and figure out what the real issue is rather than blanket demanding a partner stop any behaviour that is remotely associated with those feelings. I understand mono friends who like that their relationships come with a set of socially-handed assumptions and a pre-defined structure, whereas in poly relationships you have to tailor them to the individuals within them. This is harder, but completely worth it, as you then have a relationship that are tailored to the actual needs of yourself and your partner (which are much more enjoyable), rather than only being allowed relationships that match what society thinks you should want.
Excellent commentary:)
THANK YOU. I appreciate your blog more than I can say. I recently have been writing about similar things and initially called it “honest, discretionary, non-monogamy” but I’m really seeing myself become truly polyamorous. I’d love to share ideas with you if you’re available. 🙂
I truly enjoy reading these blogs,I can’t say how many times I’ve caught myself nodding my head in agreement,my fiancé and I’ve been together for almost 8 years and open for 3 years but its incredibly difficult for us to both get what we seek,individually I seemingly have more luck than him and find it tasking to help him find his voice. I love him with every source of my being and I don’t wanna go back towards monogamy and neither does he but I also don’t wanna hold his hand on every venture as well. Individually,he lacks the confidence to go forth on his own and I don’t know how to help….any advice dear?