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Archive for the ‘motherhood’ Category

Catching up: 2016-Now

Posted in families, motherhood, parenting, tagged , , , , on 13/01/2019| Leave a Comment »

Whew! The last (nearly) three years just flew by, eh? A lot has changed and a lot of changes are to come. As I am sure I have lost some regular readers – and it’s entirely possible that I have lost all of my readers since who reads blogs anymore? – I should probably keep my summary of my time away as brief as possible.

At the end of 2015, I looked forward to 2016 full of optimism, thinking it would be an easier, better year. As I am sure my absence spoke volumes, I will summarise and say it was one of the hardest years of my life. I moved back to my native California, got a full time teaching gig at a school close to my home, and was looking forward to a great year. I was living with my loving parents, had a lovely summer, went camping with The Husband and Son, and prepared for my first full year of teaching in my own classroom. Then reality struck. The Husband went back to Australia, I started the school year only to find the job was not as advertised. It was a high stress job at a struggling public school and my students were some of the most difficult and disruptive students in the whole place.

Then, shortly after the start of the school year, my mother was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia and The Husband returned to California to help me while my folks were in the hospital for her treatment. He returned to Australia at the end of October with plans to move over in 2017. Then the election happened, and the less I say about that the better. I will say that I had yet another reason to cry myself to sleep in November. The holidays were a blur and when The Husband was set to return, he was denied entry and detained due to some complete bullshit atthe border and was sent back to Australia.

Initially we tried to push forward with our plan for him to immigrate, but the red tape would take at least six months and we decided it would be simpler for all of us to return to Australia. Fortunately, my mother’s cancer treatment was successful, and around the time she finished her last round of chemo, I got a job offer in Australia for a full-time teaching job at an amazing school.

The rest of 2017 was fairly positive. I had been tried by fire and found out how strong I was. I knew much better who I was, and I was working in a job that I loved. By the end of 2017, Husband and I started talking about having Baby #2 (finally). Now, at the end of 2018 (a fairly busy but mostly uneventful year), I am 30 weeks along in pregnancy numero dos, and facing several long months of maternity leave. How will I fill this time? Well, before the bub arrives, I should have some free time I can fill with writing and I have a few motherhood topics I’d like to explore, ruminations on relationships and reflections on the changes in my own mental health I’ve experienced. Watch this space!

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Ultrasound picture of Baby #2.

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“Mom Enough”: Thoughts about the Time magazine cover

Posted in families, motherhood, parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , on 15/05/2012| 4 Comments »

I wanted to write a full post about this. 

About the supposed Mommy Wars.

About how completely I do not buy into this adversarial narrative that is constantly shoved down my throat.

About how most attachment parents I know are not competitive or sanctimonious at all and how we’re all parents and should focus on sharing and supporting each other.

About how shifting the focus onto mommy vs. mommy is simply a distraction from the fact that motherhood is still a liability in western culture because patriarchy.

But then I read this. (Trigger warning: discussion of mental illness, bipolar disorder and suicide.)

And I realised that my personal discomfort with the ‘class warfare’ and bourgeois mother goddesses, is nothing compared the the mothers who struggle every day to be a good parent.

Please, read the post. It’s heartbreaking, inspiring and beautiful. 

I need to go cry now.

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Justifying my Momma-ness

Posted in motherhood, parenting, tagged , , on 07/02/2012| 1 Comment »

Half a year since my last post, and there’s a lot to write about.

I’ve recently returned from a wonderful but challenging trip with the entire poly-clan, but I’ll save that story for another post, when I have more time to process and write properly about the events that transpired and the issues that were raised.

While on that trip, we met up with several poly friends, including some I’d never met in person but had become rather chatty with on various social networks. These new friends were all members of their own same clan, and they’re unique amongst my poly friends because they are totally and completely out to all their family and friends. They’re also quite political and are very much poly-activists.

On the night of my husband’s birthday, I wandered off with one member (on whom I have a humungous girl/admiration/lusty crush) and her, um, one of her male escorts (I’m still a bit shaky on the who’s with who of their clan) in search of a burrito.*  I don’t recall all the details of the conversation due to a minor amount of alcohol in my system, but somehow the subject veered to parenting, motherhood and feminism. She is one of my feminist friends** so I guess it wasn’t surprising. She is, if I recall correctly, child-free by choice (should that be capitalised?) and either she was asking about my choice to become a mother, or I volunteered the information.

The conversation is one I’ve had before, but this recent iteration was at an interesting time for me. I’m 2 years into being a Poly Momma. I’ve got a great, loving relationship with my husband, a steady boyfriend who I absolutely adore and with whom I have a thriving relationship, and most recently, I’m about to go back to Uni to finish my degree so I can finally start in a Diploma of Education program next year.  On that particular trip, Husband and I left the Little Man at his grandma’s house for pretty much the entire trip, meaning I had a lot of time to be myself and relax without having to be Momma. I was able to reflect on my parenthood without actively being a parent at the time, so I was much more in touch with all the other aspects of me than usual. (more…)

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18 month check

Posted in motherhood, parenting on 09/05/2011| Leave a Comment »

I took my son for his 18 month growth and development check-up and the nurse seemed to think he was doing rather well. She did, however, recommend sending him to a speech pathologist, as he is still not really talking.  I also am going to book him in for a hearing test.

My little guy has become a somewhat fussy eater. I am going to experiment today with adding vegetable purees (actually just organic baby food from a jar) to things. I made up some veggie ravioli and used ‘sweet baby vegetables’ as a sauce and made some ‘peas and zucchini’ into a tartare sauce for him to have with fish fingers*. I don’t even know if he eats fish fingers* but it’s worth a try.

I may have to start going the ‘Deceptively Delicious’ route and disguise the vegetables so he gets a more balanced diet. Then again, the nurse said ‘Just keep offering him healthy food.  Don’t give up and start feeding him chips and biscuits because it’s “the only thing he’ll eat”.  He’ll eat when he’s hungry enough.’

Then again, when he’s hungry he’s cranky and if I offer him things when he’s cranky, he is pickier. Then it spirals out of control. There must be other tactics.

‘Are you enjoying motherhood?’

‘Um…Sure. Of course, it was just Mother’s Day yesterday, so I’m a little biased.’

‘Oh yes. But in general?’

‘Yes. I’m fine. I have a fairly easy baby, so I haven’t got much cause to complain.’

Sigh…

*Translation for USA readers: fish fingers = fish sticks

UPDATE: The ravioli w/ veggie puree was a hit! The fish fingers were also deemed ‘Yumm’ but the tartare sauce was given a ‘Bleah’ and a :P.  I think it was too cold. I’ll try mixing it with his eggs tomorrow morning. He might like it and if not, I’ll eat it.

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Mother’s Day is coming, what are YOU getting me?

Posted in motherhood, parenting, tagged , on 28/04/2011| 1 Comment »

I have made it clear to those who know and love me that I don’t truck with Valentine’s Day. I’m also not huge on anniversaries and, like my husband, I feel it’s not fair to oblige your loved ones to give you gifts on pre-determined holidays. We don’t even do Xmas presents for each other (though we do our birthdays).

We are both pretty against the patriarchical notion of monogamy (duh) and the myth of the nuclear family and I generally think of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as two holidays cooked up to fill the dead retail months between Easter and Christmas.

But after doing a bit of research (on Wikipedia) I found that Mother’s Day has a rich history.

  • It probably started with springtime festivals honouring mother and childbirth goddesses.
  • It was started in the modern sense as a part of a pacifist movement after World War I.
  • Anna Jarvis, the woman who established it in the US did so after her own mother’s death, to create a day for mothers to be appreciated within their lifetime. Paradoxically, she never married and was childless herself. She became disillusioned after its commercialisation:
A printed card means nothing except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world. And candy! You take a box to Mother—and then eat most of it yourself. A pretty sentiment.
In other words, yes, the commercialisation of this holiday is atrocious.
But…
Being a Momma is HARD.
And today, as I am sleep deprived and at the end of my rope, the thought that just around the corner is a day when someone might bring me flowers, or give me a day to sleep in, or buy me one of these, or these, or these, or (OMG!) this, is just enough to keep me going, however foolish that thought may be.
(I’m not greedy, these are all practical. Well, except for the flowers, and maybe the t-shirt)
I know my son will grow to appreciate me, but I’ve got a few years to wait before I can expect any gifts from him. In the meantime, I’m just going to have to settle for cuddles.
UPDATE: Mother’s Day has come and gone, and my wonderful husband made the day special. I got to sleep in (also thanks to my little boy for actually sleeping through the night), he bought me a new pair of slippers and a Swiss army knife, and I got a garden centre gift certificate from his girlfriend. Yay! Also my paramour bought me cheesecake the day before which I saved until last night – score!

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I’m a busy Momma

Posted in motherhood, parenting, relationships, tagged , , , , on 18/04/2011| Leave a Comment »

My posts have been few and far between lately, and this has been for a number of reasons. For one, ever since a certain attempt at dating went horribly wrong, I have had quite a few other things occupying my time that deserved my focus: holidays, play performances and getting my son involved in various activities. I’ve also had some pretty serious episodes of self discovery that made me take stock of certain patterns in my life which needed changing. There have been some major changes in my life, from a new paramour (a lovely lad I met on OkCupid) to the husband and me buying our first home.
Anther reason I haven’t posted is that I’ve been getting more involved in online Poly communities. It’s been interesting finding support networks in unexpected places. For instance, the online healthy lifestyle site, SparkPeople, has a small poly community. I started posting there a bit and I’ve met some really lovely people. I also signed up to FetLife, but have been mostly turned off by the overtly sexual photos people post (I’m no prude, but I just feel like I’d rather get to know someone before I see graphic images of their genitalia). I was recruited to join my friend’s secret poly group on Facebook as well, which has been incredibly enlightening and supportive.
I hope all of these things will mean I have more to write about. For now, I am open to suggestions for topics and will write about those about which I have an opinion when I have time.

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The end is here

Posted in motherhood, relationships, tagged , , , , , , on 28/10/2010| 1 Comment »

No, I’m not quitting this blog. Don’t worry. But I do want to talk about endings.

My secondary relationship reached its end, officially, just over a week ago. After not seeing each other for several weeks, I finally “called time of death” on our romantic relationship. It just wasn’t working out, and after repeated attempts to save it, I finally just gave up. As I felt I was the only one making any real effort to maintain things (whether true or not, it’s how I felt), I had to come to terms that it was no longer making me happy and to face the reality that if he wasn’t going to make the effort, then maybe he just wasn’t that into the relationship. He was asking me to lower my expectations of the relationship so far that I basically had to stop caring. And that wasn’t fun for me. Apathy is a real turn off.

C’est l’amour.

This ending made me sad, but not upset. I loved this man. I loved being in a relationship with him. He’s beautiful, we had great chemistry and he made me feel sexy (something I don’t often feel, as a mum). He was an escape from my day to day routine, but also not afraid of coming over to my house and helping out with the baby. I saw such potential in that relationship, and had such high hopes for the future. Letting go of that was hard. But in the end it was when I withdrew my emotional investment that I even knew how much I had invested.

The aftermath has left me feeling unsexy and unlovable. My libido is all but gone and I’m putting all my energy into being a mum and into trying to lose a few kilos.

I’ve started weaning my son. He’s doing well. I’m down to one breastfeed per day. He drinks milk from a cup like a champ, so I’m not too worried about that anymore. I admire women who keep going with breastfeeding, but my son doesn’t seem to be enjoying himself that much anymore. I think I realised it was time when he seemed too distracted every time I tried to offer him the bewb. He was still crying if I stopped prematurely, but now he’s stopped that. Now, I give him one long, intensive breast feed in the evening. Soon, I’ll stop offering that. The end is imminent. By the time his Birthday comes along, he’ll be done.

I’m a little sad about it, but hopefully it will  make things easier. I’ll be able to wear a real bra again and go back on normal birth control pills. I won’t have to wear easy access tops and I can even contemplate going back to work, putting my son in childcare. And I won’t have little teeth-shaped bruises on my nipples.

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Pondering an End to the Bewb

Posted in motherhood, parenting, tagged , , on 07/10/2010| Leave a Comment »

My son is going to be a year old in about a month.

At that time he will officially be able to drink cow’s milk, which means I have the option to stop breast-feeding him. Well, tell the truth, I’ve always had that option. I’ve kept with it for a number of reasons, both for the benefit of my son and because it’s one of the times during the day when I feel like he really appreciates me.

I’ve been trying to find advice from various sites on how to go about weaning my son after 12 months, and not surprisingly, I’ve stepped on another landmine in the Mommy Wars. Weaning v. Extended Breastfeeding.

The supposedly objective viewpoint is “do what’s best for you, whatever that is!” which to me seems like they’re saying “we’re not going to get into this, you ladies fight about it amongst yourselves!”

I’ve heard stories of women whose children “wean themselves” at about 12 months, basically start refusing the bewb when its offered, and I wonder if their child was picking up on their lack of patience or if they genuinely were over it, so to speak. I’m curious what will happen.

I’ve started tentatively offering my son some cow’s milk in his sippy cup already. He seems a bit confused by it. I’ve been giving him water for some time now, and he’s had formula from a bottle before. I think I will start eliminating his early morning feed, which I did this morning. I caved in and gave him a breastfeed after breakfast, but maybe once he starts really downing the cow’s milk, I’ll cut that feed too.

As his first birthday comes and goes, I’ll start cutting the afternoon feed too. Then the evening one, but keep the occasional feed for when he’s being particularly clingy. Or not. I have such mixed feelings about this. I was ‘fed into my toddler years, up until about 30 months or so, however, after spending two weeks with my mother and seeing how she dealt with my son, she really gives in to the crying, and I think she probably could have weaned us earlier if she was able to say no to us, which I suspect she rarely did. We weaned ourselves, apparently. I’d like my son to lead the way, but right now, he’s started to demand his feeds when he wants them, so I don’t know how easy it will be to tell him he’s not getting it anymore. At the very least, I’ll make the change gradual.

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I’m a happy Momma!

Posted in motherhood, parenting, polyamory on 30/08/2010| 2 Comments »

This past weekend, I went on a romantic getaway with my honey and left my baby-daddy at home with the baby.

I spent the weekend relaxing, enjoying the benefits of a huge spa tub (not unlike the one I gave birth in, but this time with Cham-pagne instead of actual pain!) a king size bed (for sleeping in, and I mean sleeping in!) and being away from my baby.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby. I love him to pieces, every little tiny bit of him, each of which is getting less tiny every day (he’s almost a toddler now!), but it was nice to have a couple of days to be something other than a Momma.

Being a full-time mother is not easy. Sometimes it takes me a while to get out of the habit of constantly narrating everything I do in the third person as “Mummy”, as in, “Mummy has to put on her shoes now,” or “Mummy’s going to cry if you throw your sippy cup on the floor one more time,” or “Mummy seriously needs a martini right about now.” Not to mention the feeding, changing, playing, comforting, supervising etc. And it’s only going to get harder. As it is, he’s recently begun climbing the stairs at every opportunity. I’ve had to put up a proper safety gate – originally to keep him from going down the stairs – to keep him from ascending while my attention is elsewhere engaged.  The two weeks before my getaway were two weeks of new teeth coming in, along with the accompanying clinginess, crankiness and crying. It’s emotionally and physically draining. Not to mention the isolation of being out in the suburbs without a car most of the week.

Motherhood, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned here before, was not a role I saw myself in until very recently. The whole thing still strikes me as odd. I don’t feel like the Mommy/Mummy ‘type.’ Even though in some ways I enjoy being a domestic goddess – cooking, baking, entertaining – there are other aspects I really suck at – housekeeping…that’s it really. I chose this role for myself, so I’ve nobody to blame, but it still doesn’t feel like me most of the time.

A weekend away has made me feel more like myself. Or rather, being away from my role and my routine has made me feel refreshed and happy with it again. I’ve come back to my baby and my husband with renewed enthusiasm. It’s like the “me” muscles were atrophied and I’d only been using the “momma” muscles. But now I’ve had time to strengthen the “me” muscles so the “momma” side is balanced out and my life is easier to carry.

I’m so grateful to my boyfriend for whisking me away, and to my husband for being a single dad for the weekend.

Life is good.

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Nuclear Breeders

Posted in families, motherhood, parenting on 18/08/2010| 2 Comments »

A friend of mine recently posted on her Facebook status about her frustration with people who call those of us who choose to reproduce, “breeders.” It’s used in a derogatory fashion by those who choose to remain childfree. If I recall correctly, it started out as a derogatory term for straight people used by members of the gay community. Now that the gay community is fighting for the right to marry and have children, the term has fallen out of fashion.

However, it got me thinking. I’ve felt for a long time that the 1950’s ideal of the nuclear family is problematic. After I had my baby, I felt this even more strongly. So many things about motherhood would be easier if I shared the burden with a larger community. I couldn’t believe how hard it was to breastfeed! How did we survive as a species when something so basic is so difficult? Well, we didn’t do it alone. A new mother was surrounded by other mothers: sisters, cousins, aunties and so on. There were plenty of people to help out, plenty of other women who could fill in.

I sympathise with the feelings of those who think we shouldn’t have so many damn kids. Living sustainably means not overpopulating the Earth. But if we didn’t insist on maintaining the model of the nuclear family, would we feel the need to have so many kids? If we lived in larger groups, extended families, and poly-fidelitous clans, we’d spend lots of time assisting in the raising of children, who aren’t necessarily our own. People who want the experience of a large family would get it, without having to have eight or more kids on their own. There would be less need to buy so much crap because toys, clothes, etc. would get re-used many times within the group.

“Breeders” aren’t necessarily to blame. I, personally blame the nuclear family, based on the patriarchal, individualist ideal of modern, western culture. I hate the suburbs, where we all live in nice, neat little individual boxes, isolated from our neighbours and removed from the community. We’ve been programmed to think that this is the “dream” we’re supposed to achieve: to have our own little patch of land for our own tiny little family unit.  The reality is that it’s not doing us any good, and it’s not doing the planet any favours either.

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