Archive for the ‘bisexuality’ Category

It’s no secret that I hate the whole “Nice Guy” thing. I’m a big hater of the idea that women have this supposed “Friend Zone” or “Friend Ladder” and once you’re there, there’s no escaping.

There is so much wrong with this idea that I can’t even begin. Others have done a much better job.

However, I can relate.

Congratulations... You've Just Been friend-zoned 16/366

Recently, I was reminiscing about Miss K. There was an ad on TV that they were going to show that 101 Dalmatians movie that came out in the 90’s. I recalled watching it one long afternoon after school.

In high school I was pretty out as being bisexual. I was sexually inexperienced, and even less relationship-ally experienced. I desperately wanted to be in a relationship, but I also desperately wanted to be in a sexual relationship. I tried asking boys out, but got rejected a couple of times. I wanted them to ask me out, but NONE of them did. I went out with a friend for a bit, (how’s that for this friend zone thing?) but it didn’t work because after spending a lot of time with him, I realised I just wasn’t as into him as I hoped I’d be. I’d hooked up with another friend and it did work, until he decided we should stop. I hadn’t really gone out with any girls yet, but I was keen to give it a go.

Enter Miss K. Miss K was adorable. She was a high achieving academic student who was suddenly really into the punk scene and hanging out with my particular set of weirdos. She was a year ahead of me and bisexual. She talked openly about how frequently she masturbated and about her vibrator ‘the Silver Bullet’. I was completely smitten. And she lived close by. One day she asked if I wanted to come have lunch at her house, and, of course, I went. She made amazing ramen for me which I could hardly eat, I was so excited. We hung out at school, but this was one on one. Then she invited me to hang out after school and watch a movie. Of course, I went, hoping I’d find my moment, read her signals somehow and she and I would have hours of fun with the Silver Bullet.

Then we sat on the couch and watched 101 Dalmatians. And nothing happened.

I chalked it up to reading the signal wrong. She wasn’t actually into me. Or maybe I just needed to hang out with her more and build up a relationship. Yeah, that’s it…

Several weeks later and she came back from a weekend talking about her new boyfriend. He was from out of town. Or something. Basically, my hopes were dashed.

So, she wasn’t into girls really. I was totally reading her signals wrong and really just holding out false hope. Oh well. That sucked. And I moved on.

It was only in thinking about it again recently that I realised my situation fit the usual pattern of getting ‘friendzoned’. I had interest in a girl, she was probably interested in me too, but instead of telling her I was interested, I relied on this magic of ‘signals’ and waiting for the ‘right moment’ to come along (you know, like in pornos). Instead of putting my interests out there, and risk being rejected (and lose the right to hang out with her), I held back and waited for some sign from above (or for her to make an obvious move). Then when she went for someone else, I wrote it off as some flaw of hers (“she’s just not really into girls” = “girls always go for jerks”) instead of looking to see what I might have done differently.

So yeah, I have a tiny bit of sympathy for these ‘nice guys’ after my revelation. But really they just need to grow up. If you keep placing the burden on external factors and don’t take responsibility for the outcome, you’re not going to get anywhere. Yes, it means risking making the girl you like feel weird around you. And then you deal with it and move on.

I didn’t learn how to ask a girl out until last year. And I got to have a real relationship with her before she dumped me for a guy. What could I have done differently? Well, I did everything I could and tried my best. She met someone she was more into and who could give her what she needed (which was more time and support). So, short of not being married and not having a kid, there was little I could do. And while it hurt to be rejected, I’m happy she found someone she is into.

I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to help any of these PUA guys who spew this nonsense, but maybe my story offers a different perspective. And maybe if they stop seeing this whole ‘friendzone’ thing as a ‘guy’ problem, then maybe they’ll stop being such whiny dickbags about it.

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Is someone still polyamorous if she is not actively seeking out new partners?

Is someone still polyamorous if she isn’t in a relationship?

Is someone still considered bisexual if they’ve never been in a same sex/opposite sex relationship?

Is someone considered bisexual if they’re in a monogamous same sex/oppposite sex relationship?

These questions have been coming up a lot lately. Right now, I’m what I call poly single. As I am only in one relationship, and not interested in pursuing any other romantic relationships, I am, for all practical purposes, monogamous. I still consider myself polyamorous, but just not really playing the game right now.

I got my heart broken pretty badly last year. Someone I trusted hurt me worse than anyone ever has, then my two fledgeling follow-up relationships didn’t make it past the six month mark. I have turned my attention to some things I’ve been neglecting for a long time, and I started a seriously intense graduate course at university, so I don’t really have time for the level of distraction and emotional investment romantic relationships usually require.

Does this still make me poly? I took part in another radio show on Q Radio’s Friday Night Lip Service, on identifying as queer while in an outwardly ‘straight’ relationship, and the host of the show spoke about her respect for people who could be invisible, but choose to be visible. In a way, she said, it’s even more brave because you have the option of being ‘normal’ and ‘passing’ but you choose to out yourself when it’s not an imperative.

But I still struggle with the question of authenticity. Can I really speak as a queer voice when I don’t suffer the same kind of discrimination? When I don’t have to come out? When my stakes aren’t as high?

I still don’t have any answers.

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Katy Perry bugs the ever living SHIT out of me.

Not that I’m terribly familiar with her work, just that one song, I Kissed a Girl.

(I picked this clip so you can read the lyrics, which I will analyse in a bit.)

Now, firstly, the title and subject had already been done and done better by Jill Sobule in the 90’s.

Secondly, Katy Perry’s song doesn’t even have the balls to actually be about fluid sexuality.

Let’s break down the lyrics (I’m paraphrasing because I assume you’ll watch the video for the actual lyrics):

Verse 1:

Girl impulsively and drunkenly stumbles up to a random girl with the idea to “try her on”

Already, Katy is objectifying this other girl. The girl doesn’t have a name, she doesn’t know her and she already has no intention of going further.


She admits to liking it, but makes it clear that she’s not gay (because that would be wrong), by mentioning her boyfriend and stating that it “don’t mean I’m in love tonight.”

Not only is she disrespectful of the girl she’s kissing, leading this poor girl on, potentially, but she’s also cheating on her boyfriend because, obviously, they have not discussed this, or she wouldn’t have to “hope” he “don’t mind it”.

Verse 2:

She re-iterates that she doesn’t know this girl’s name and doesn’t care. She’s just experimenting and again refers to how subversive and bad she’s being by kissing a girl.

Far from normalising this encounter, she makes it clear she thinks it’s unnatural and kinky.


She regales us with how “magical” women are, by talking about only physical things: lips, skin, etc. And then downplays all of the previous talk of how “wrong” it is by saying, “it’s innocent.” Innocent to whom? To you? Has it occurred to you that just because this person you are kissing doesn’t have a penis, doesn’t mean she has innocent intentions?

I had a friend, a really lovely dyke friend, back in college who was constantly “the experiment” for girls exploring their bisexuality. Inevitably, they would go back to their boyfriend, or would meet a guy, and she’d be left alone. She was treated as less than a person because she was a woman. BY A FELLOW WOMAN! At one point, she and I almost had an encounter, and I had to turn her down because I was already in love with a man at the time and I really didn’t want to lead her on, even though I would have really liked to have slept with her. I didn’t want to hurt my friend by pretending it was ‘innocent fun.’ And I think she really appreciated it.

In short, I think Katy Perry’s song is misogynistic, irresponsible and it grossly misrepresents bisexuality.

And her music kind of sucks anyway.

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