Is someone still polyamorous if she is not actively seeking out new partners?
Is someone still polyamorous if she isn’t in a relationship?
Is someone still considered bisexual if they’ve never been in a same sex/opposite sex relationship?
Is someone considered bisexual if they’re in a monogamous same sex/oppposite sex relationship?
These questions have been coming up a lot lately. Right now, I’m what I call poly single. As I am only in one relationship, and not interested in pursuing any other romantic relationships, I am, for all practical purposes, monogamous. I still consider myself polyamorous, but just not really playing the game right now.
I got my heart broken pretty badly last year. Someone I trusted hurt me worse than anyone ever has, then my two fledgeling follow-up relationships didn’t make it past the six month mark. I have turned my attention to some things I’ve been neglecting for a long time, and I started a seriously intense graduate course at university, so I don’t really have time for the level of distraction and emotional investment romantic relationships usually require.
Does this still make me poly? I took part in another radio show on Q Radio’s Friday Night Lip Service, on identifying as queer while in an outwardly ‘straight’ relationship, and the host of the show spoke about her respect for people who could be invisible, but choose to be visible. In a way, she said, it’s even more brave because you have the option of being ‘normal’ and ‘passing’ but you choose to out yourself when it’s not an imperative.
But I still struggle with the question of authenticity. Can I really speak as a queer voice when I don’t suffer the same kind of discrimination? When I don’t have to come out? When my stakes aren’t as high?
I still don’t have any answers.
Poly Momma 
Totally legit to be polyamorous and single, and I also call it poly single.
What Tom said. You don’t stop being heterosexual or gay if you’re not seeing anyone. You don’t stop being bisexual if you’re seeing only one person or multiple people of one gender for years. You don’t stop being poly if you’re not seeing anyone or only seeing one person at this time in your life.
I’ve asked myself the same questions. I realized that I was feeling pressured to find another long-term partner to prove I am polyamorous. My first partner came to the same conclusion after a breakup… like I did. We definitely learn valuable lessons from heartache. I think polyamory is an identity within, not defined by living arrangements. It’s a philosophy that we may or may not be able to actually live all the time. Polyamory, for me, is just as much about choice as it is about multiple forms of love. You can choose to take a break and focus on yourself. We all need that time to recuperate. I took 2 months off from dating and my first one back turned out to be incredible. I think stabilizing ourselves, emotionally, mentally will allow us to be able to trust again. I hope you enjoy your poly singledom for as long as you wish. Thanks for sharing!
I started identifying as poly when I was in high school, before I’d had any relationship, monogamous or otherwise! I’ve spent a lot of years completely single and more-or-less openly poly; I may have multiple partners at the moment, but my sexual identity doesn’t feel any different than it did when I was functionally celibate. I sort of hate talking about “orientation” (’cause that’s as culturally constructed as anything else), but there’s an approach to life and an understanding that comes with being poly, and it doesn’t go away just ’cause you’re choosing to spend your time doing something other than cultivating erotic partnerships.
Why not change the terms and reserve polyamory for its precise definition, many/multiple loves? Non-monogamy may be a better term for your practice, which is as you say, mostly monogamous. The principle of not being monogamous (whatever that entails for you) is still there it seems, so non-monogamy is, I think, more exact. I feel like polyamory is always an ideal to strive towards rather than something attained. I feel like throwing around polyamory is a bit like a patting yourself on the back for something not yet accomplished (whether single or in relationships). So I strongly disagree with many of the comments here; we shouldn’t congratulate ourselves too quick for finding our polyamorous “identities.” Being a good person, being good to other people, is a lot of work (love your new post about soccer!) and is challenged anew each day with current and new partners.
I definitely agree with you on some points here. I go back and forth between saying I am non-monogamous in practice, or polyamorous in practice. As long as I’ve been familiar with the term, there have been sort of two camps within polyamory: those who use the term as an identity and those who use the term to define the practice. Just like once upon a time, there was no such thing as being ‘a homosexual’ it was certain acts which were ‘homosexual’.
What is identity? Why do I feel the need to identify myself as ‘polyamorous,’ meaning I am capable of loving more than one person? I don’t know. We live in a culture of identities. If that’s not your thing, cool.
I disagree with you on some points, but over all I see where you are coming from.
Thanks! I guess my trouble with identity extends much further than what we’re discussing here, so yes, there are multiple ways of looking at this.
[…] is no such identity or practice as poly single (https://polymomma.com/2013/02/17/poly-single/), but we all are, or can be, non-monogamous if we’re willing to sacrifice a bit of our desire […]