Poly Momma

I have recently become aware that my humble little blog has become somewhat more popular and respected than I expected. Another blogger even referred to me as a ‘big name’ in poly blogs, much to my surprise! A consequence of this is that people new to poly sometime stumble upon my blog when things get difficult, and come to me for advice.
I want to make it clear: I am not a relationship expert . I have found a relationship style that works for me, and I am happy for the most part. I give advice purely based on my own biases and experiences, and I’ll say up front: I have little tolerance for whiners or jerks. If I think you’re being either, it is difficult for me to be generous. “Tough love” you may call it, I call it not having time for bullshit.
Moving on…
I received the following comment a little while back and felt there was a lot in it that needed addressing. I will admit the private response I sent to the reader was much less harsh than the following response, but the more I read his letter, then more angry it made me. So forgive me if I seem a bit enraged by the end, and I hope you can take home the lesson here.

Dear PolyMomma

I’m trying the poly thing for the first time and am having a really hard time with it.

She spends more time with me than her other guys. We say we love each other but I don’t know how she says she loves me if she doesn’t care about my feelings and emotions. I would never do anything to hurt her feelings or upset her. This is what I think monogamy is about; loving and respecting each other so much that you wouldn’t want to hurt them so that is why I don’t cheat. Monogamy is NOT about ownership! (This is an ongoing argument we have)

Not everybody feels hurt if someone has sex with other people. In fact, that’s what polyamory is about – the fact that you can completely love and respect MORE THAN ONE person at a time. Polyamory is not just a free-for all!

Anyway, she has like 6 guy friends, I have no friends. Something in me, a conscience I suppose keeps me from pursuing other women. I feel guilty and can only concentrate and give my love and attention to one person at a time. I’m miserable when she is not with me.

Two things here, you are comparing what you have to what she has. You don’t seem bothered by the fact that you don’t have any friends, but you realise that puts the entire burden of your social needs on her. If you are miserable when she is not with you, maybe that’s a bit too much pressure to put on one person. Your wording, that it is your conscience keeping you from having other pursuits, even friends, is very telling. You think that your way of doing things – focusing all of your love and attention on one person – is morally superior to hers. Well, I say BOLLOCKS. I wanted to be nice here, but that is absolutely horrible. Her values are different from yours, but that does not make you a better person.

Now I am also into kinky shit and am open to trying 3-somes and couple swapping cause there is not really any emotion there and those are things we can experience together. We make movies and all sorts of sexy stuff.

However, I am not happy when she’s fucking other dudes while I’m at work or whatever. Or her not show up when we had plans because she passed out after fucking some dude. That REALLY hurt me. If she just communicated that she couldn’t make it I wouldn’t have been so upset.

I get how upsetting it is for someone to break plans, but it sounds like it’s more than just the inconsideration that upset you. It sounds like it’s the sex. It sounds like, for you, you don’t want to own her, you want exclusive rights to have sex with her because if you don’t, then you are not special.

Plus WHAT ABOUT STDS??!! Why isn’t this a hot topic on all these polyamorous sites??!!!

Why does no one care about stds anymore??

Condoms aren’t foolproof and many diseases can spread even with them.

I have inflammatory bowel disease (ulcerative colitis/crohns) and fear all her contact with all these other people because I have a compromised immune system and am more prone to infection. I am DEATHLY scared of STDS and herpes. I feel as if my ibd has scarred me socially so I can’t handle another physically and socially destroying disease.

Yes, this is actually a major issue. It almost goes without saying and it is covered OVER AND OVER AGAIN on polyamory sites. I am not sure how you missed it.

This is a major issue because I’m allergic to latex and I’m huge. Magnum XL aren’t even wide enough (it’s the girth not the length).
I know I’m not the only one she doesn’t use condoms with either. Oh and it makes me throw up if she sleeps with someone else before coming over. It’s just incredibly filthy, risky, smelly and totally disrespectful. I told her that fucking multiple partners the same day was a huge hang up of mine and something I will not tolerate.

Jesus, why are you with this woman if you find so much about her disgusting? I really don’t understand why you are pursuing her if it bothers you this much. FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

It just pains me she does this when I do everything and would do anything for her. She says I’m her best fuck and gave the biggest penis and make her cum harder than anyone else. I’m also the only who has ever and can make her squirt. It kills me and makes me feel insignificant every time she fucks someone else.

Why is she settling for the rest when she can have the best? She says she like variety. I don’t get it. I’d always just want the best. Why settle?

You are different people. Different people have different needs and desires. It may come as a surprise, but people have sex because they like sex. It doesn’t have to be the same person, it doesn’t have to be the best. Maybe she has sex with other people because it’s nice to fuck someone who doesn’t put so much baggage onto her for it.

I don’t have anybody else in this world and don’t want to lose her. The only reason she is poly now is from being damaged, abused and 2 failed marriages. She refuses to give her love to one person because she’s scared of being hurt. How can this work or how can I show her she is not broken and nice guys do exist? Or any advice really?

Please help. Thanks!
Jeff

First of all, you need to stop making this about her. She is doing what she thinks is right for her. If you don’t like how she lives her life, and you have told her, and she keeps doing it and you don’t like that: LEAVE. You don’t have anybody else in this world? You need to get out of this relationship and find a definition of yourself that doesn’t revolve around someone else. I know I am being harsh, but this relationship is toxic and you can’t stay in it.

Secondly, HOW FUCKING DARE YOU presume to know ‘the only reason she is poly’. That is incredibly insulting to both her and anyone else who is polyamorous. As for the whole saviour complex and ‘nice guys do exist’ thing, well I have some big news to tell you: If you think by placing all of your emotional baggage on her and expecting her to worship your cock you are being a ‘nice guy’? You’re woefully mistaken, Jeff.

That’s my two cents. Good luck.

TL;DR Polyamory isn’t for everyone. Especially not if the idea of your partner fucking other people bothers you this much.

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Last weekend I had a great date with a new fella. He is geeky and smart and sexy and all those things I like in a guy (if he  reads this, I hope he’s not embarrassed).  We had tons in common, plus, he’s poly so I didn’t have to explain anything. We seemed to match up quite nicely.

Anyway, carried away on a wave of NRE, I wrote a rather gushy email to him, which I immediately regretted sending. After all, he lives in another city, we both have primary partners and so I have a very specific level of relationship I’m after and I was afraid I’d given the impression that I was going to go boiling his bunny.

After fretting most of the day that he would be scared off by my enthusiasm, we finally chatted late last night (well, late for me is 10:30 PM). He explained quite bluntly that his plate was full and that he couldn’t commit to anything serious with a new person, which knocked me back for some reason.  I guess because I had put myself out there in my email, I felt slightly rejected, even though I never wanted anything even remotely serious either. But then it made me wonder, what else could he have possibly thought I wanted? I can’t even fathom trying to have any sort of serious relationship from a distance, not to mention the fact that we both have primary partners already.

He said he didn’t want things to get complicated.

Well, Amen to that. Complications are complicated.

It got me thinking, I’m all for setting boundaries, but all this paranoia is silly. If we took sex out of the picture, we wouldn’t have to hash things out like this. Let’s say it was some other shared hobby, like board games. He and I would just be new friends. It’s always better to play board games with someone you get along with and with whom you have other things to talk about. We’d chat on the internet, talk about board games, and maybe hang out and play a board game when I happen to be in his neck of the woods.  I don’t think it needs to be any more complicated than that, and I do not want it to be. If the friendship grows over time, that’s great. Otherwise, hey, board games are pretty fun!

At the risk of restating the obvious, I am married and I have a small child. I can’t devote time to something big and complicated and I don’t have much emotional energy to devote to anything serious.
However, no matter how casual something is, there is still some small amount of emotional investment. I mean, I even have an emotional attachment to some of my shoes (why else would I keep my purple Doc Martens around when I haven’t worn them in years?) so some emotional attachment is inevitable. I think it’s only fair to be honest about that and not let it be some scary taboo, otherwise things can get even more complicated. Trust me, I’ve been there.

The truth of the matter is, my relationship with my husband is great but there are a few things that we don’t get from each other. Also, both my husband and I like to get away every now and then and be on our own. We’re very independent people and these getaways are essential to the health of our marriage. He has several friends out of town, I don’t really have any. And so it would be nice to have someone to…play board games with when I’m away.

Anyway, I hope this all works out. If not, at least I learned a little something about myself.

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Deborah Anapol, Ph.D, has published this excerpt from her book, Polyamory in the 21st Century in the Love Without Limits blog on the Psychology Today website. It’s a great introduction to some of the psychological and social reasons people choose polyamory. There is one aspect I found, at first, to be problematic. That is, the topic of sex addiction. However, in reading further, she is careful to point out that sex addiction, while far from the norm in polyamory, is still a destructive force when people use polyamory as an excuse for their obsession. I still have a problem with pathologising sexual behaviour (when such behaviour is between consenting adults) but there are still some destructive patterns that could be labeled as an addiction. Dr. Anapol also points out that while polyamory can provide shelter for these destructive patterns, a positive label can at least bring them out into the open.  She makes some other wonderful points and acknowledges the diversity of experiences in polyamory, unafraid to acknowledge the dark side without painting the whole movement as a ‘failed experiment’ the way some ignorant journalists might. This is one of my favourite sections:

“True, plenty of people use multi-partner relating as a strategy to avoid attachment, some even recommend this, but in my experience attachment is a powerful force which can override any mental argument or situational defense. Many people hope to find greater stability, depth, and personal growth in their intimate relating by choosing polyamory, while others seek the same qualities in monogamy. The bottom line is that whether we like it or not, all relationships are dynamic by nature and any effort to avoid this reality is doomed to failure.”

I think that pretty much sums up my pre-marriage non-monogamy. If I had actually bothered to learn about responsible non-monogamy strategies back before I met my husband, there were a lot of mistakes I would have avoided and a lot of people I could have avoided hurting. When I first learned about poly, I was in the “avoiding attachment” phase. I used to joke that I had a “90 day warranty” when it came to monogamy. I couldn’t stay in a monogamous relationship for more than 3 months before my eye would wander and I’d pull out the, “Well, I’m polyamorous, you knew this when we started going out, so I can do what I want” excuse then I’d do what (or who) I wanted and come back and say, “I think we need to take some time apart” or some such insensitive nonsense.

Basically, I was a jerk. And I used polyamory as an excuse to be a jerk.

I don’t think there was anything wrong with my sexual behaviour, but I was using poly to justify some very destructive patterns. By doing that, I was hurting the concept of polyamory. All those people I hurt now have a warped concept of polyamory because of how I treated them in the name of poly. For that, I am very sorry.

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