It’s no secret that I hate the whole “Nice Guy” thing. I’m a big hater of the idea that women have this supposed “Friend Zone” or “Friend Ladder” and once you’re there, there’s no escaping.
There is so much wrong with this idea that I can’t even begin. Others have done a much better job.
However, I can relate.
Recently, I was reminiscing about Miss K. There was an ad on TV that they were going to show that 101 Dalmatians movie that came out in the 90’s. I recalled watching it one long afternoon after school.
In high school I was pretty out as being bisexual. I was sexually inexperienced, and even less relationship-ally experienced. I desperately wanted to be in a relationship, but I also desperately wanted to be in a sexual relationship. I tried asking boys out, but got rejected a couple of times. I wanted them to ask me out, but NONE of them did. I went out with a friend for a bit, (how’s that for this friend zone thing?) but it didn’t work because after spending a lot of time with him, I realised I just wasn’t as into him as I hoped I’d be. I’d hooked up with another friend and it did work, until he decided we should stop. I hadn’t really gone out with any girls yet, but I was keen to give it a go.
Enter Miss K. Miss K was adorable. She was a high achieving academic student who was suddenly really into the punk scene and hanging out with my particular set of weirdos. She was a year ahead of me and bisexual. She talked openly about how frequently she masturbated and about her vibrator ‘the Silver Bullet’. I was completely smitten. And she lived close by. One day she asked if I wanted to come have lunch at her house, and, of course, I went. She made amazing ramen for me which I could hardly eat, I was so excited. We hung out at school, but this was one on one. Then she invited me to hang out after school and watch a movie. Of course, I went, hoping I’d find my moment, read her signals somehow and she and I would have hours of fun with the Silver Bullet.
Then we sat on the couch and watched 101 Dalmatians. And nothing happened.
I chalked it up to reading the signal wrong. She wasn’t actually into me. Or maybe I just needed to hang out with her more and build up a relationship. Yeah, that’s it…
Several weeks later and she came back from a weekend talking about her new boyfriend. He was from out of town. Or something. Basically, my hopes were dashed.
So, she wasn’t into girls really. I was totally reading her signals wrong and really just holding out false hope. Oh well. That sucked. And I moved on.
It was only in thinking about it again recently that I realised my situation fit the usual pattern of getting ‘friendzoned’. I had interest in a girl, she was probably interested in me too, but instead of telling her I was interested, I relied on this magic of ‘signals’ and waiting for the ‘right moment’ to come along (you know, like in pornos). Instead of putting my interests out there, and risk being rejected (and lose the right to hang out with her), I held back and waited for some sign from above (or for her to make an obvious move). Then when she went for someone else, I wrote it off as some flaw of hers (“she’s just not really into girls” = “girls always go for jerks”) instead of looking to see what I might have done differently.
So yeah, I have a tiny bit of sympathy for these ‘nice guys’ after my revelation. But really they just need to grow up. If you keep placing the burden on external factors and don’t take responsibility for the outcome, you’re not going to get anywhere. Yes, it means risking making the girl you like feel weird around you. And then you deal with it and move on.
I didn’t learn how to ask a girl out until last year. And I got to have a real relationship with her before she dumped me for a guy. What could I have done differently? Well, I did everything I could and tried my best. She met someone she was more into and who could give her what she needed (which was more time and support). So, short of not being married and not having a kid, there was little I could do. And while it hurt to be rejected, I’m happy she found someone she is into.
I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to help any of these PUA guys who spew this nonsense, but maybe my story offers a different perspective. And maybe if they stop seeing this whole ‘friendzone’ thing as a ‘guy’ problem, then maybe they’ll stop being such whiny dickbags about it.
Poly Momma 
Hi, um the article was really good. I get the friendzoning thing too, but yeah guys are waaay whiny about it.
… Okay I’m sorry, this is WAY off topic and it might be tmi… not sure. But I have a big problem, and you seem like one of the few people that might know what I need to look up or think about or try to solve it.
So I’m in a relationship, a pretty committed one with a man whom I love very much and whom I’ve been to hell and back with. We have a daughter together and a pretty decent life overall. We ere close friends before all of this, so our foundation has been really good. The sex is the best I’ve ever had, and I employ and learn new things to make sex fun and orgasmic for both of us. This is all great but there’s one hitch… he has sex with other women too. Now we both agreed -after it became obvious to me that this wasn’t going to change- that he could be in a open relationship with me, that we were free to have sex outside of our relationship so long as both parties were honest. I’ve kept on a brave face, I have tried sooo hard to just accept thing as they are, but I’m scared.
I’ve rationalized, logically deduced, and practically flogged my brain to accept this. Honestly, i’ve been reading your blogs for weeks, and others. Open blogs, and polygamy blogs and polyandry blogs, and read all the biological and metaphorical explanations I can fit into my brain. (Btw, the soccer analogy is really good and quite funny, I’m sorry you have to deal with people who don’t even want to understand you.)
But… every time I see him, even a picture of him with someone else it hurts my heart. Not because I think he’ll leave me for them, I know he won’t. Not because I believe he’ll fall in love with someone else, because I don’t really believe that either… I don’t really know why it pains me so much, but it does. To the point that I’ll say I’m taking a shower and then go in there just to cry so I can get it out. I’ve been doing this over a year.
I feel bad for not being more honest with him, but I did let him know this was how I felt and he let me know that this is how he is and thats been that. I guess my question is, when someone like myself who seems to pretty hardwired for monogamy -Like, doesn’t even FEEL sexual towards others… and I was pretty sexual before we started our relationship. Also, I don’t even remotely desire another romantic attachment.- is trying to live with a partner who is… possibly polysexual or polyamorus… how do we make this work? CAN it even work? I love him deeply an more profoundly than anyone I have been romantically involved with before and I just don’t know where to go from here. Because I can’t keep this up.
This is probably too much for you to deal with, so sorry to just push this all out here, especially since you’re not monogamous and likely don’t have this issue… but if you knew anyone who did, or have any insight at all it would be greatly appreciated.
P.S. From how he has talked to me about this before (and this may be part of the issue) he doesn’t want to make the mistakes his parents did when they married and later divorced. He doesn’t think anyone can be anyone elses “everything” -though duh… of course. Thats what friends and family and motherhood are about right? Being someone everything? Nope.
He has said thing like “it keeps his ego up” or “that he just needs new experiences” (which kinda makes sense, as we are both in our early twenties)… I’m a big ball of ow and confusion and I’m grasping at straws.
I think there is a point when you have to know your boundaries, communicate them and if somebody is unable to meet your needs, find someone who does. It sounds like you are unhappy in the situation and no amount of rationalisation is going to change that. If you aren’t feeling it, you can’t keep faking it. It may be time to walk away. Sorry this it took me so long to reply.
*hugs if needed*
Man that’s rough. It’s always a difficult thing to go through, especially in a Poly lifestyle. I’ve been there. My wife has been there too, fortunately there’s support from other partners!!