I’ve been in a non-monogamous relationship with my husband for about three years now. Before that, I was involved in other non-monogamous relationships, going back for quite a few years. In that time, I’ve found that people unfamiliar with polyamory tend to have some common misconceptions about what it means. This list in its original form is on my OkCupid page, and so it mostly reflects the misconceptions I’ve encountered there.
This is not meant to be a definitive list, hence the title “What Polyamory Isn’t To Me.” I’ve only been a poly blogger for a short time, and I’m only just getting familiar with what’s already been done so forgive me if I’m flogging a dead horse.
A more comprehensive list of polyamory myths is here.
This list includes some common misconceptions, but also particular stereotypes I personally take exception to. I don’t claim to speak for all polyamorous people, but mainly myself. Rather than calling them ‘myths’ I’ve decided to instead call them ‘assumptions.’
Assumption #1.) Polyamory = Polygamy
I think this is probably on every one of these lists. I’m guessing most people who’ve been to a polyamory blog before know this one, but if you’ve never heard of polyamory before, then maybe you should go to wikipedia first.
Finished? Great. We can move on.
Assumption #2.) Polyamorous women are sexually available/indiscriminate.
I am actually quite picky. It’s not just about random sex for me. I choose to build intimacy with a partner before sex. This wasn’t always true for me, but it is now. Polyamory isn’t an excuse for me to go around shagging whomever I please, it’s about building relationships. In fact, I am more picky than I would otherwise be because it’s not enough to be cute, you have to be mature, respectful and have a great deal of emotional intelligence before I will even consider shagging you, and it takes at least three dates to determine whether that’s true. 😉
Assumption #3.) A relationship with a polyamorous person doesn’t count as a “real” relationship.
Basically, this is the scenario that I (and other poly people I know) have experienced several times :
I’m in a relationship with someone (poly or mono), I’ve told them from the beginning that I’m polyamorous and things go well. We spend a lot of time together and build a nice, honest relationship. Then suddenly, (usually in the springtime) they disappear for a week and when they contact me again, it’s “Hey, so I met this girl and I want to pursue a real relationship with her, so we can’t see each other anymore.” After all the time we’d spent together, having gotten close and talking about how awesome it is to be open and honest, he breaks up with me like it never happened. Instead of explaining to the other girl, “Look, I really like you, but I’m in a relationship with someone. It’s a polyamorous relationship, but I just need to be honest with you and with her before pursuing anything with you.” They just assume from the outset that not only will the other (presumably mono) person not be OK with it, but that I will understand, after all, I’ve still got my husband to go back to. When I was poly and unmarried it was more like, “Well, we were just fooling around, right?” as if the lack of exclusivity somehow invalidated the depth of the attachment.
I’ve found this is mostly something that happens with someone who is either new to polyamory or who is usually monogamous but is ‘ok with’ dating someone who is poly. However I know of at least one person who was a bit of a polyactivist amongst his friends who turned on a dime when he met a mono woman he really liked, and completely abandoned my friend and their relationship.
Assumption #4.) All polyamorous couples are “swingers” just looking for a sex hookup.
I always feel the need to reassure people about this. I think it’s because when I come out to someone for the first time, I really don’t want them to immediately think “Oh dear god, now they’re going to want to seduce me/steal my man/steal my woman/invite us to some weird sex party!”
This myth has already been covered a lot by other people, but here’s my personal take.
My husband and I are happy with our relationship. If we pursue a relationship, sexual or otherwise, outside of our relationship, we do so individually. It’s not something we do as a couple. We don’t “swing,” though we’re not opposed to the idea if we met a couple that we were really into. We do have relationships with each others partners, but they are usually nonsexual. We’re also not looking for orgies or group sex either. It’s not just about sex. If either of us meets someone, and we like them, it means it doesn’t have to end with “Look, I’m married. So we can only just be friends.” It means we can pursue it further, and even have a committed, long term secondary relationship. My husband has been with his secondary partner for two years! That’s longer than most monogamous relationships he’s had!
In other words. “Yes, we’re poly. No this does not necessarily mean either or both of us want to have sex with you.”
Assumption #5.) All polyamorous couples are looking for a threesome.
Threesomes can be fun. But for me, they are not the Holy Grail of sex. I’ve been there, done that, watched the video. They’re fine. But, I’ve found that for me, they are difficult to orchestrate and sometimes can be more trouble than they’re worth. If it should happen to come along, great. If not, I’m not going to cry about it.
A triad, or a relationship where three people are all romantically involved with each other is something I have limited experience with. Unfortunately for me it didn’t work out, but for others it can be a lasting valid relationship style.
My point is that not everyone is into polyamory for HOT THREEWAY SEX. In fact, some of us prefer sex between two people when it comes right down to it.
Myth #6.) All polyamorous couples are unhappy with their current partner, otherwise they’d be monogamous.
This is just insulting. It implies that the more relationships you have, the less intimate those relationships must be. I’m guessing it’s also probably due to the myth that if you truly love someone with that mythical fairytale romantic love, that everything will always be good all the time and you’ll never look at another person again. I’m very happy with my husband. He is my partner in life and I can’t imagine any reason I would ever leave him. But we are realistic about what we like and what we want. If I had to settle for monogamy, I’d always wonder if there was “something better out there” and then when I met some new cute person, and all those happy brain chemicals started flowing, I’d think I found the real one and I’d be unhappy with my existing relationship as it would be a barrier to this Great New Person. In my current relationship, I can pursue that new person as long as my partner is aware of it and consenting. It means every new relationship strengthens and deepens my existing relationship because we are open and honest about our feelings. When I see my partner loving another woman, it means I see another side of him I might not have otherwise seen. The irony is, if I was monogamous, I would be unhappy in my relationship, but the fact that we’re both polyamorous means I’m happy.
Poly Momma 
I really enjoyed reading your detailed explanations. I can relate to all of those points and I especially agree with you on Myth No. 3 as I had a similar experience when I was left hanging after a woman left me to pursue a “real” relationship with another man. Yes, very hurtful indeed.
It’s weird to see someone that identifies as polyamorous knocking threesomes. Did you mean ‘unstable’ in the context that it wouldn’t work very well for you, or that they don’t work in general?
If you meant that triads are unstable or unworkable in general, could you expound on why you see them in that light? I’d be interested in reading your experiences in that area. 🙂
Also, if you do see triads as ‘unstable’ or ‘unworkable’, then that might be why the unfortunate situation outlined in Myth #3 happened to you.
(Starting over with a new reply to your comment.)
I hope the changes I have made clear up the confusion.
Going back and re-reading, I see that a lot of what I wrote in this (which was over a year ago, originally) was muddled, confusing or poorly explained.
I think I made some of my points clearer, elaborated on some points and streamlined others. I’ve also chosen to re-label them as “assumptions” rather than myths as these are more related to my personal experiences and I can’t claim to speak for all poly people.
I still don’t see how being more open to threesomes or triads could have helped in my relationship situations in #3, but I hope my deeper explanation of the situations will explain somewhat more clearly.
Thank you for pointing out the areas where this piece needed work.
I welcome any further suggestions (and I promise not to be so defensive next time.)
Re: #3
It doesn’t relate to #3 now. Before your edit, #3 was something about a kind of polyamory that you weren’t interested in, and how you made it clear that you didn’t want to be involved in that. Anyway, if you make it clear that you don’t want A and they meet someone else and find that they want A, then breaking up with you makes perfect sense.
Regarding the changes, if you’re seeing someone who is monogamous* and they meet another monogamous person, it still makes sense to break up with you.
* I keep seeing polyfolk refer to being in relationships with people that they refer to as ‘monogamous’. That seems weird to me. See, if they’re in a relationship with you, and you are in a relationship with someone else, then all three of you are having/accepting more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved, hence, you are all practicing polyamory. Right? Is there some slang I’m missing? 🙂
That was a very well thought out blog, glad to have read it, just to confirm my own beliefs in this. 🙂 now off to read your other posts 🙂
Argh, the perfect blog post. Insightful, well-written, educational, funny, respectful… Perhaps I’m just excited because I learnt something extremely interesting and perception-changing. Okay, the former is common for me, but the latter is rare.
Thank you for this. Actually, this entire blog. It’s great. 😀
I was in a poly relationship, but for the wrong reasons, I wasn’t ready to commit to my partner, because i’d just gotten out of a tough relationship, and she came along during the breakup. She wanted monogamy, but she wanted to be with me no matter what so she accepted my secondary lover into her life and things seemed to be going well. .. well after some healing i drifted from my secondary (due to long distance as well) decided I wanted to committ to her, and give her all my love. I broke off with my secondary, and was ready to tell her I just wanted to be with her because i was fully in love…
but at the same time my partner announced she wants to begin a relationship with another person. A friend of mine. Now I struggle and suffer because I finally had the courage to put my whole heart out there again only to be denied what I had wanted with her. a beautiful life, just the two of us.
its also an issue that she’s dating a friend in my circle of friends. 1) its in my face all the time. her liking everything my girlfriend does on facebook, saying things like “we’re so cute, you’re so cute” and putting up love songs and quotes all over tumblr that imply that im clingy and that i can’t “find happiness” i either am or im not. its just brutal, and its driving me mad. ive been sobbing my eyes out for a month and nothing is changing. I asked my primary if she’d consider doing an open relationship instead but after 2 days she said her secondary wasn’t happy and neither was she.
I can not quit my girlfriend, I love her more than anything in the world, but i can’t seem to find peace. im filled with rage and despair. she wont give this up, poly is now her world view, and she will not sacrifice her new beliefs for me again. this is what she told me. I told her that we tried this together, and it doesn’t work and I would hope that she could understand and support me but she said that if she stopped being poly she would be sacrificing who she is now….
It terrifies me that Im not enough for her, and her new found love with my friend is growing stronger while I push her away and make her feel sad. I need to snap out of this and be positive before i destroy what ive been trying so hard to fight for. Maybe one day she will come around and be with just me, but i can’t count on that so I have to find a way to change my mind.
please help me.
Wow. That all sounds very difficult, and I’m not sure what to tell you that will help.
I guess I have a few questions or concerns first.
First of all, you seem to have the idea that you can only ‘fully commit’ if the relationship is monogamous. As you said at the beginning, you started out poly because you weren’t ready to commit. Why do you think you cannot fully commit to someone who insist that you share them? Or perhaps do you feel that by not wanting to be monogamous, your partner is not committed to you?
Secondly, you said “It terrifies me that Im not enough for her”. This gives me some concern. Love is not a finite commodity. It’s very likely that she loves you and her other partner equally. Why do you think you are not enough? This is a very troubling assumption that makes me wonder if perhaps you have some insecurities you have not resolved. She obviously has a very deep connection with her other partner, and it is not really fair to ask her to give that up for you. However, your feeling that she will push you away as she grows closer with her other partner once again implies that you don’t trust your relationship with her. If she loves you, she should care about how you feel, as I’m sure she does, especially if you’re unhappy. If you have been honest and open about your feelings, I’m sure things are difficult for her too, and so you should both be working to find an appropriate compromise. It’s not just her problem or yours. It’s something you should both be trying to resolve.
My other concern is that polyamory for some is truly an orientation, like being heterosexual or bisexual or gay. Some of us are just polyamorous, able to be completely in love with more than one person. It doesn’t mean we love any of those people less. It sounds like your partner has discovered this is true for her. It sounds like maybe you are naturally monogamous, but used poly as an excuse to keep distance early in the relationship. If this is the case, maybe you should reconsider whether this relationship is healthy for you.
I wish I could be more help.
I highly recommend this site: http://www.xeromag.com/fvmonopoly-existing.html There are some very important points and this is a great resource for a mono person in a poly relationship.
And you should definitely contact Franklin Veaux, the author of the site. He is very approachable and will very likely be able to help you much more than I am.
Peace.
Why do you think you cannot fully commit to someone who insist that you share them?
-i guess because in the beginning she wanted to be my girlfriend, and I wanted that too but I didn’t trust that it would last if i just jumped from that one relationship that ended with abandonment and trust issues into another. I knew that i couldnt let her get away though either, so I had to openly date to get through/over my previous break up and trust again…. now this feels like breaking up again, because she didn’t even really want poly to begin with i thought that when i gave up my second partner because i’d finally opened up my heart to trust and love again.. she would reciprocate.
it terrifies me that Im not enough for her”. This gives me some concern. Love is not a finite commodity. It’s very likely that she loves you and her other partner equally. Why do you think you are not enough?
I guess because I was enough for her until now. when love is new and easy, i can understand dating around, an open relationship but once i fall hard in love I just don’t need to see anyone else, I only have eyes for them, and now when ive finally let go of all my fears of abandonment, i feel like im being abandoned again…I don’t feel comfortable with another woman having a relationship with the woman I love so fiercely. I believe in loyalty and this just feels like cheating to me.
I guess in the past few days ive been getting better, trying to accept this fate. and even trying to look at it positively. but i keep having relapses whenever her other lover posts pictures of them on the internet, arm in arm, or refers to her as her lover while trying to promote her business as a tattoo artist, or posts things on her wall that say “i miss you cutie”
one of my biggest hang ups is the publicness of their relationship. When I was seeing the other guy, we kept our relationship discreet. he posted one thing that upset my girfriend so i asked him to not do that and from then on he never posted any pictures of us that would lead anyone to believe that there was anything going on between us, or comments or anything, out of respect for her…
My girfriend said she was going to talk to her lover about that, but what if her lover has a problem with it? and the worst thing was this morning… my girlfriend herself posted a picture of the two of them, arms over each others shoulders looking out at a view of a valley, and all our mutual friends are commenting “awwwww” and her lover is like” im pretty sure we’re the cutest, this makes me wanna sing lion king etc etc. I mean COME ON, seriously?!
[…] this definition does not account for pansexuality). But what about those that claim polyamory as a sexual orientation? How could a poly disposition be differentiated from other orientations if we use the wiki […]
Wow! Oh man this is an amazing post. I almost cried and yelled in joy at #3. That’s the story of my life!
And #6. This is so beautifully written and perfect.
I’m talking about women who don’t know what they want, or think they can make polyamory work for ME (not for them), and then realize that I am not in the picture. I end up being the guinea pig.
It makes me really sad for society and feel like the only way to find real honesty and happiness is finding other poly folk who already ‘get it’ – rather than trying to bring someone into the lifestyle. I’m a vegan nonsmoker too, and it’s similar. A woman I’m dating will try to stop smoking and not eat meat around me but really, as soon as I’m out of the room they just go back to their natural ways which might be eating meat, smoking, and monogamy. I may not be crazy about the first two choices but I can live with them for someone I love, but polyamory is the very foundation of the relationship. And that’s not something you “tolerate”.
Dating naturally monogamous people is really hard. It seems like they are buying into this puritanical, mythical fairy tale romance that’s an illusion, and the struggle to maintain that illusion is a total fucking lie. And the more traditional/conservative/religious are people, the bigger and deeper the lies go. The fairy tale is based on lies and secrecy and dishonesty, and all I want is honesty. But if you can’t be honest to yourself, how are you going to be honest with your partner?
I am simultaneously saddened that this is so common, and elated and relieved that I am not alone.
Although it’s possible to love more than one person at the same time, for most poly people, it’s not about true love, it’s about intellect. It’s a game. It’s for white, educated, middle-class, heterosexual people who convince themselves it’s *necessary* to be in love with two or more people but in actual fact they’re in love with *one* person and want to fuck others without cheating. Which is fine but if it’s about sex, don’t lie to yourselves. And don’t claim it’s something it isn’t. Oh, and don’t evangelate. Its very unbecoming.
It’s for this reason that I titled this page ‘What polyamory isn’t *FOR ME*’ because it reflects my opinions, experience and attitudes. Painting a group with a broad brush is unfair from the inside, let alone from an outsider’s perspective. But I doubt anything I’d have to say about it would change your opinion. You clearly made up your mind about it already.
Thankyou for making a broad, sweeping generalisations that might be true for the short list of people you’ve had interactions of this type with but have no real basis outside of anecdotes. Oh, and don’t evangelise. It’s very unbecoming.
If I wanted to be in love with one person and fuck others without cheating, I would be in an open relationship. In fact, I was for around six years. Then my husband and I decided that polyamory may, in fact, be suited to us. Since then, I have discovered that loving multiple people adds so much to my life, without detracting from the love I have for my husband.
I don’t believe it is necessary to be in love with more than one person. I just don’t believe it’s necessary to be in love with just one person.
Dear eatThe Rich,
Thanks for the heads up! Your short evangelation has opened my eyes to the fact that I am only lying to myself- rather than desiring to love many, I just simply want to fuck all the people!
Though you do seem to present some oxymorons (people can love more than one person, but they also can’t?), all in all you’ve convinced me that I’m just a (game) player.
I’ll go settle down with my *one* true love now and if I fuck anyone else, at least I’ll admit that I’m really cheating.
Love, Binarythis X
It’s clear that you’ve never met any poly people.
I don’t think it’s necessary to be in love with more than one person at a time. I do however think that people should be free to love more than one person if they choose, without the (often) over the top condemnation that deviating from the monogamous norm seems to invoke.
It also seems like you’ve missed the distinction between polyamory and “open relationship”. The latter is already a perfectly valid and equally honest option for people who just want to “fuck others” whilst only being emotionally invested in one (primary) relationship.
Finally, unless you’ve got some empirical basis for claiming “most poly people do x”, you might want to be wary of making such broad generalizations as claiming that “most” poly people are just deluded cheaters primarily motivated by sex.
Do you have anything to back up your claim that “for most poly people, it’s not about true love”, or is this just you attributing your own opinions to a larger group, like a reporter inserting their opinion with “sources suggest”? Because I’m always interested to see actual research on the topic. If not, please stop judging the relationships of other people based on how you handle your own personal life. It’s very unbecoming.
*Dalek voice*
eatThe Rich would undoub-t-ed-ly make an EX-CELLENT DaaaLEK!
EVANGELATE! EvAAAAANGEEELLLAAAAATE!!!!!!
I found this interesting and informative, but I came here under different pretenses. I can’t really find a good resource, so I’m asking you guys, if you’re willing to
I am a 30 year old man, a veteran of the U.S. Air Force. I’ve been monogamous all my life, although I’ve always been aware and respectful of other lifestyle choices- I had good, educated, monogamous parents who raised me to be tolerant and open-minded. I got out of a 3 year monogamous relationship about 6 months ago. I recently started dating again, and one of the women I caught the interest of is a polyamorous woman that I met on OkCupid- we talked quite a bit before meeting, and she was very straight-forward and honest about the nature of her relationship. She has a fiance, and see’s one other boyfriend, and she has some other friends that are polyamorous couples scattered about the country.
We went on a date, and really hit it off- we have a lot in common, and we had a really good time. I walked her home, upon which I met her fiance. He was very friendly, and we chatted briefly before I said my good-nights and went home.
That was about a week ago, and the whole time in between I’ve been having a lot of conflicting feelings about it. As much as I like her and the casual nature of our relationship, I just don’t know how to feel about the commitment if I continue seeing her. I don’t think I, myself, want to be polyamorous; in that if I do continue dating her, I won’t try date other people even though she will. My heart aches at the thought of trying to date two women at the same time, even if it was completely acceptable and known to both parties. I don’t consider myself the jealous type, but I have to admit when I met her fiance, an immediate feeling of threat and uneasiness came over me, like I was afraid he was going to beat me up, even though he was super nice.
I’m just not sure how to feel about the situation, and I’m not even sure what kind of answers I’m looking for. Are these feelings natural for people introduced to polyamory? Is it a sign I shouldn’t pursue the relationship? I’ll take any information, input, advice, etc.
You are totally not alone. This kind of reaction is normal, and it’s ok to tell this woman you’re not comfortable with dating her. There’s your entire life of social conditioning to get over, not to mention, you may just not be ‘naturally polyamorous’ (if there is such a thing).
Jealousy is totally normal and ok to feel. Feelings are always ok, so long as you express them constructively and understand where they’re coming from, and are willing to work through them.
The best resources I can point you toward are a couple of books:
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
The Ethical Slut (2nd Edition) by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
And even more so, these websites:
http://www.morethantwo.com (by Franklin Veaux) Especially this page.
And practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com.au (by Anita Illig Wagner) she has a great list of resources.
That’s if you’re willing to learn more. My advice to you, if you’re interested in the woman, but don’t think you can handle polyamory or sharing her, back off for a bit. I know it can be hard, especially when you’re really into someone, but in my experience, someone who tries to ‘deal with’ polyamory while pursuing a relationship with someone they’re really into is heading down a dangerous path for everyone involved. If you think you might be willing to give it a try, do your research and reading first. Obviously, you do care about learning more, or you wouldn’t be here. I think the best way to approach this situation is to learn as much as you can, and focus on a commitment to making polyamory something you’d like to make work for you, rather than pursuing her in the hopes that your attraction is enough. It’s so easy in monogamous relationships to fall into the trap of ‘love conquers all’ and thinking if you just meet the right person, it will work out. It’s not true in monogamy, but even more so in polyamory. Committing to the relationship, rather than the person, is harder, but worth the effort. Otherwise, maybe she’ll understand that this is just not something you’re comfortable with. At the very least, she may appreciate your honesty. Better to be honest about it, than to pretend you’re ok when you’re not.
Thanks for the information- I will definitely check out some of the sources you suggested. And I do really like this person a lot- we have more in common than anyone I’ve ever met, and it feels good to know I was already taking your advice before you gave it- she has a very busy schedule, and I’ve just been kinda keeping to myself, taking care of my affairs with school and stuff, and just thinking about how I feel about the situation before diving in. I’m leaning towards giving it a shot, but as you said, just being completely open and honest about how I feel about the relationship every step of the way (without being overbearing and mopey, ofcourse). Again, thanks for the wisdom and guidance. just hearing some confirmation about what I am going through gives me a lot of clarity and makes me far less anxious.
This whole polyamory thing is so strange to me. How can you possibly find the time to truly be in love with more than one person. In my opinion, it sounds more like fear of commitment. Does no one have values any more? I have been in open relationships before and they have worked at times. However, if my partner were to tell me that we wanted polyamory, I would tell him to get lost. I am worth more that having to share the love of my partner with other loves.
Your comment is strange to me. What does time have to do with feelings? It sounds like fear of losing out on something to me. I’ve tried being monogamous and it didn’t go well for me. If my partner decided we should put limits on ourselves, I’d have to refuse. I respect myself and my partners too much to deny our true feelings.
Also, my values are: honesty, commitment, communication and respect. So, thank you very much for reminding me that I’m an immoral wanton who is afraid of commitment. I thought I was an ethical person with a deep commitment to my partners.
I think the issue is that you think you have to ‘share the love’ in a polyamorous relationship. That’s like saying that when someone has a second child they need to ‘share the love’ they had for the first over both children and hence each only gets half the love. That’s not the way the human heart works. We can love many people, each just as strongly as if we were only in love with one.
Well put, Angel. Thank you.
Hi.
I’m newly exploring polyamory for myself. I am aware of it, and have a friend who is in a polyamorous relationship, but she doesn’t like to discuss her personal life, because it is, well Personal.
I have been very busy with motherhood, and school, and my husband. Also, I have fallen in love.
I know that it is ok to be in love with my husband and someone else, but it is NOT ok for him. He doesn’t believe in fairytale romance, etc. He believes it is a constant choice and commitment to be with one person forever, but that if we are to get beyond our base evolutionary roots, it is a commitment one must make.
I love him for being so logical and so stupid at the same time.
I have not made any advances on this other Friend, we had some flirtation, of the kind I think occurs naturally between two persons who are attracted to eachother, but when he found out I was married he shut it off.
With that background, I guess I would like to know how to talk to my husband about the situation, and what I can do for myself if we make the decision to stay mono-amorous…
Thanks in advance
EN
For years I thought I was either Asexual or simply antisocial in my views towards the other sex – I never dated, or considered dating until my twenties and even now, I feel pretty apathetic towards most people.
Until I met my best friend, and realised I was attracted to her, sometime later I also met her close male friend who I also quickly became attracted to – unfortunately, they hooked up. TT-TT
It can get awkward at times, I’m jealous of both of them! xD
Certainly, I would love the chance to participate in an open relationship with both of them but it’s hardly a subject you discuss over a bowl of noodles… plus my friend has started becoming distant as of late, much to my dismay – I’m happy for both of them, very much so, and I would never try and come between them but at the same time it’s painful to be on the outside looking in.
My wife and I have been poly for quite a while now and it has it’s own set of challenges. With appropriate rules and boundaries it works out for us! The initial few months were difficult, but after that things were much easier.
Absolutely loved this. It put so much peace to my mind. I recently discovered polyamory this year when a friend metioned it to me earlier and it made complete sense and it matched how I’ve felt for the past few years(im only 20). I had a question that I would love answered but its a question that should be best reserved for someone like you. Ive been in a monogamous realtionship for about 6 months and ive introduced the idea of non-ethical relationships. Shes not open to the idea of a open relationship but shes open to polyamory single. Ive hit a part in my life where I really feel like I love someone(my current girlfriend) but I also have the same love with a ex of mine who is polyamorus(ive had this feeling for her since we dated in high school and we are close friends to this day) we have also talked about this and she feels the same with me. I want to be in a open relationship but my girlfriend is not ok with that at all and I love her and she loves me and I don’t want to loose her but I feel like in order for me to be happy I have to let her go. Please email me at nekkiarain@gmail.com with any advice you would have for someone like me
Stephanie-louise, I am in nearly the same boat! My two best friends, A and B (let’s just call them that to make it easier), have been in a committed relationship for several months. I’ve been growing even closer to both of them, and have always been extremely attracted to both of them. A is shy, thoughtful, and full of intelligent conversation- all of these traits have caused me to gravitate towards him, even before we were close. He’s completely honest and doesn’t withhold his thoughts. (though, he’s shy around most others.) B is brave and experimental. She doesn’t let an opportunity pass her by. She usually doesn’t wish to discuss random things like A and I do, but her sweet and timid disposition draws me towards her just as much as B pulls me in. We’re very close friends and share many interests and hobbies, such as our mutual love for music. I’ve discussed my interest in polyamory with both A and B, but never specifically my interest in a poly relationship with them. I have no idea what to do.
I’m trying the poly thing for the first time and am having a really hard time with it.
She spends more time with me than her other guys. We say we love each other but I don’t know how she says she loves me if she doesn’t care about my feelings and emotions. I would never do anything to hurt her feelings or upset her. This is what I think monogamy is about; loving and respecting eacother so much that you wouldn’t want to hurt them so that is why I don’t cheat. Monogamy is NOT about ownership! (This is an ongoing argument we have)
Anyway, she has like 6 guy friends, I have no friends. Something in me, a conscious I suppose keeps me from pursuing other wonen. I feel guilty and can only concentrate and give my love and attention to one person at a time. I’m miserable when she is not with me.
Now I am also into kinky shit and am open to trying 3 somes and couple swapping cause there is not really any emotion there and those are things we can experience together. We make movies and all sorts of sexy stuff.
However, I am not happy when she’s fucking other dudes while I’m at work or whatever. Or her not show up when we had plans because she passed out after fucking some dude. That REALLY hurt me. If she just communicated that she couldn’t make it I wouldn’t have been so upset.
Plus WHAT ABOUT STDS??!! Why isn’t this a hot topic on all these polyamorous sites??!!!
Why does no one care about stds anymore??
Condoms aren’t full proof and many diseases can spread even with them.
I have inflammatory bowel disease (ulcerative colitis/crohns) and fear all her contact with all these other people because I have a compromised immune system and am more prone to infection. I am DEATHLY scared of STDS and herpes. I feel as if my ibd has scarred me socially so I can’t handle another physically and socially destroying disease.
This is a major issue because I’m allergic to latex and I’m huge. Magnum XL aren’t even wide enough (it’s the girth not the length).
I know I’m not the only one she doesn’t use condoms with either. Oh and it makes me throw up if she sleeps with someone else before coming over. It’s just incredibly filthy, risky, smelly and totally disrespectful. I told her that fucking multiple partners the same day was a huge hang up of mine and something I will not tolerate.
It just pains me she does this when I do everything and would do anything for her. She says I’m her best fuck and gave the biggest penis and make her cum harder than anyone else. I’m also the only who who has ever and can make her squirt. It kills me and makes me feel insignificant everytime she fucks someone else.
Why is she settling for the rest when she can have the best? She says she like variety. I don’t get it. I’d always just want the best. Why settle?
I don’t have anybody else in this world and don’t want to lose her. The only reason she is poly now is from being damaged, abused and 2 failed marriages. She refuses to give her love to one person because she’s scared of being hurt. How can this work or how can I show her she is not broken and nice guys do exist? Or any advice really?
Please help.
Jeff
Whoah, sweetheart, this is way out of my field of expertise, but if I were your close friend, I would tell you to get out of this relationship. This sounds like emotional abuse. It does not sound like you have established the communication and trust for anything like an open relationship at this time. Bless you for trying. I think you have nothing but the best intentions, but seriously, this sounds like a really unbalanced relationship especially if it is causing you this much pain.
As for STD’s, I have read a TON of stuff on safe sex practices and fluid bonding on Poly sites so I don’t know where you got your info. It is a VERY serious issue and one that ended my last major relationship. STD’s aren’t the end of the world, but they do really, really suck and the thing that’s damaged most is trust.
My heart goes out to you, but the thing about Polyamory is that there isn’t one single set of assumed rules like there is with monogamy. One of my biggest mistakes has been to assume that I know what someone else’s definition of polyamory is, or definition of honesty is for that matter. If you’re with someone whose definition does not match yours, you either need to come to an agreement o move on.
That’s my two cents. Good luck.
Where do I start. O.K. first of all if you speak in real life the way that you do in this post you most likely will continue to have problems attracting women, particularly in the poly community. It doesn’t sound like you are actually poly, it sounds more like you would like a monogamous relationship where y’all occasionally sleep with other people. It seems like if you want to spend as much time with her as you can while your at work is a great time for her to see other people. I don’t know for sure but I’m gonna guess y’all got into this whole “poly thing” because y’all are kinky and you thought you’d be getting laid all the time or that the very least at the same rate she was. One of the things you have to understand if you are poly is that women have an easier time attracting partners than men do. Also if you want to start attracting people you should spend some time around poly communities. For another thing STDs are a hot topic in poly communities. It sounds like you aren’t very active in a poly community or that it’s not a very informed one. Also assuming the only reason she wouldn’t be content with only you is because she is broken is downright offensive to her especially when the only reason you give is because you have a big cock and can fuck well. There are plenty of online resources and there are probably local groups if you look them up. If you really want to make this work I suggest educating yourself and stop acting like Heaman Thundercock.
[…] PolyMomma: “We don’t “swing,” though we’re not opposed to the idea if we met a couple that we were really into. We do have relationships with each others partners, but they are usually nonsexual. We’re also not looking for orgies or group sex either. It’s not just about sex.” […]
[…] What Polyamory Isn’t To Me […]
It doesn’t matter to me what two people decide to use to define their relationship. As long as everyone is being honest. But you keep saying you’re “committed” to your partners. I’m not sure that’s true. If you can add partners whenever you want, you are only committed to yourself. Again, it’s fine if you and your husband decide to both be committed to your own needs and those of your spouse, but saying you’re committed to the spouse kind of becomes BS after that.
In what way does it become BS? If it doesn’t matter to you how I define my relationship, why bother commenting at all? What do you gain from this?
I define commitment as making choices to remain in the relationship and work on building trust, communication and continued intimacy by being sensitive to and responding to their needs. How is that selfish?
I have no idea what you’re trying to achieve here, but your comment is disingenuous at best, outright insulting at worst.