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Posts Tagged ‘poly relationships’

Rules vs. Boundaries

Posted in families, polyamory, relationships, tagged , , , , , on 31/01/2014| 4 Comments »

Photo: fence bed springs is by Bunny Paffenroth and is available at http://www.flickr.com/photos/craftybunny/89898238/ under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Licence.

“Never tear down a fence until you know why it was raised.” – Robert Frost

After reading this article by Ms. Scarlet on Life on the Swingset, I was inspired to think a bit about my relationship with Husband.

When I first started this blog, we had a set of hard and fast rules. Since then, we’ve grown a lot more comfortable with simply allowing the policies of honest negotiation guide our action rather than a list of set rules. One of the main reasons I don’t like the idea of rules anymore is that they are pretty pointless. One assumes that rules exist to protect stakeholders. But rules mean next to nothing without consequences. Safety rules are pretty non-negotiable, but the consequences for a breach of those rules are self enforcing. What of a case where you follow the letter of the law but not the spirit of the law? Such as thinking, “Well, I’m supposed to tell her if I have sex. There was no penetration, therefore it wasn’t sex, so I don’t have to tell her about it.”

The problem with that, of course, is that if the truth does come out, either by the other party confessing, a member of the group testing positive for an STI or by some other slip-up, you have just damaged the trust you worked hard to establish (or re-establish). “Rules” did nothing to protect anyone in that situation. Accountability is a sign of maturity and you don’t need rules to accept that there are consequences for your actions.

But I’ve gotten a bit off-track. This isn’t what Ms. Scarlet’s article is about. It’s about boundaries; the particular limits on the level of intimacy you allow yourself when it comes to extramonogamous (that’s a word, right?) relationships. Her list includes things like co-habitating, having children and combining finances. So, a bit beyond ‘no kissing’ or ‘no anal’. In Ms. Scarlet’s case, she and her partner identify mainly as ‘swingers’ which is not really something I consider myself.

In my relationship with Husband, we have frequently discussed the possibility of a co-primary situation (the opportunity has arisen more than once for him, just once for me). Unfortunately, it’s not our own relationship that has set the limit in the past, it has been the other person setting the limit for themselves. In spite of the fact that we have been willing or even enthusiastic about the idea of integrating someone into our lives, so far nobody has been too keen on committing to that kind of blended family.

But we do allow for that possibility.

As I am moving on this year, finally allowing the possibility for new relationships again after a significant mourning period, I will have to face these issues again. What level of intimacy am I comfortable with now? Will I be able to open my heart to someone new? What are my deal-breakers? (Another post in itself, actually.)

What about you? What are your limits? Are they negotiable? Why do you have them?

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In which I ask myself “Why?”

Posted in polyamory, relationships, sex, tagged , , , , , , , on 05/07/2012| 1 Comment »

I mentioned in my last post that I’d been questioning whether or not being polyamorous was worth it. I came back with the answer ‘Yes’ but didn’t really explain why.

I did a bit of brainstorming about why I do this, to serve as a reminder for myself and hopefully anyone who reads this. I’ve written before about Deborah Anapol’s article, Why People Choose Polyamory and found some inspiration there again.

So, why?

 Because I love being in love.

Free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Being in love and having it returned is one of the best feelings and I have found that being polyamorous means I get to experience that even more. I don’t have to stop being in love with one person in order to be in love with someone else. I never have to face that agonising experience of ‘BUT I LOVE THEM BOTH, HOW CAN I CHOOSE?’

Because I love sex.

Free Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I say it’s not just about the sex, but it definitely plays a big role. I do like sex a lot. It’s something I enjoy without guilt, and I am not afraid to seek it out or ask for it. I’m a sex-positive person and for me, sex is healthy and fun, however there is a lot of emotion that comes along with sexual intimacy. Polyamory offers an ethical framework where neither the physical act nor the emotions are taboo.

Because I want to grow as a person and push past my comfort zone.

Free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Polyamory is challenging to both social norms and personal boundaries. In Deborah Anapol’s article on this, she says:

“The blessing and the curse of polyamory is that love which includes more than one tends to illuminate those dark shadows many would prefer to ignore.”

I personally hate glossing over problems. I prefer ‘front loading things,’ as my boyfriend is fond of saying, and keeping everything out in the open. This can be very confronting for other people, though many find it rather refreshing. As a dear friend of mine said to me once, “What I love about you, is I never have to guess what you’re thinking.” For better or worse, this is how I deal with things. If there is an elephant in the room, I say, “Hey! An elephant!” Then stride right up to it and start feeding it peanuts. For me, the communication and exploration aspects that are essential in making polyamory work are one of the things I enjoy. Though it is exhausting at times, I learn more about myself and constantly grow as a person.

Because I want my child to grow up in a happy home.

Mother and Child

Free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This one is being challenged at the moment, but I feel that forming more close bonds with other adults means my son will have a bigger family and more access to adult role models than if my husband and I were monogamous. We live far from our blood relatives, but we both believe in having a larger family. The article I wrote about in my last post covers this topic well, so I won’t rehash all of that.

I find that this lifestyle is rewarding and challenging. Sometimes I think it might be easier to be monogamous, but for me, it would be limiting, monotonous and I would have to deny much of my natural sexuality to make it work. When faced with the choice between the two, I would choose this lifestyle every time.

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Language barriers

Posted in relationships, tagged , , , , , , on 02/12/2010| 2 Comments »

I like to think of myself as a good writer. At the very least, I try to be a careful writer. I steer away from ambiguous words, and try to illustrate my point in several ways (when I have a point, that is). This prevents others from taking what I write the wrong way, or inferring something that isn’t there.

These skills are also important in relationships. Since communication is so important, it’s also important to be clear in your use of language. Euphemism, innuendo, and vague word choices can set you up for some disastrous results. I wrote about this before when talking about how “sex” can even be defined differently depending on our boundaries or by the circumstances. Ambiguity is the enemy of art, to paraphrase Stanislavski, and it’s also the enemy of healthy communication.

For example, when setting boundaries, it’s important to be clear what you mean. Saying, “I’m not interested in a serious relationship” leaves way too much room for creative interpretations. “Relationship” could mean several things, and “serious” – what the hell is that?  The person saying it could mean ” I don’t have a lot of time to devote to a partner right now, but I’d be interested in an ongoing friendship with benefits,” but to the person hearing it, it could mean “I’m just interested in having fun for tonight, be gone before breakfast,” or vice versa.  Besides, you can’t regulate something like emotional attachment. Things you can regulate are concrete things like actions, time and space constraints and priorities. Rules that work are “No dates during the week,” “Never hook up while drunk,” “No sleeping over when I’m home,” or “My primary relationship comes first over any others.” There is no wiggle room on those. They are clear, concrete and well defined.

Another example is in reporting activities to a partner. “We fooled around” could mean just kissing to one partner, but to the other could mean oral sex. But in some cases, that phrase is acceptible if there is further information included. “We fooled around, but didn’t go very far. Just some touching.” That’s still vague, but it established some clearer parameters without getting into potentially uncomforable details: at least the partner knows that there was no oral or penetrative sex. Fair enough.

Clear communication means eliminating guesswork. Unless a person has all of the pertinent information, they can’t make an informed decision. And everyone has the right to make an informed decision.

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Xeromag: Care and Feeding of Secondary Relationships

Posted in polyamory, relationships, tagged , , , , on 01/12/2010| Leave a Comment »

A friend sent me a link to this great article by the brilliant Franklin Veaux on secondary relationships.

It explores what I think may have been the other reason I was taken aback by last night’s conversation.

You can’t always predict the natural form a relationship will take; trying to dictate the form of a relationship, or force a relationship to fit a mold that’s not natural for it, is almost certain to cause tension and stress.

I guess New Guy was trying to avoid the complications encountered by not setting boundaries, while I try to avoid complications encountered by trying to define a relationship from the outset. I’ve found that defining a relationship either way at the outset can lead to trouble down the line. However, being realistic about expectations is important too. I think it’s possible to strike a balance between the two; setting limits, but being open to changes that come along down the line.

It’s a great article and the whole site is an excellent poly resource.

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The end is here

Posted in motherhood, relationships, tagged , , , , , , on 28/10/2010| 1 Comment »

No, I’m not quitting this blog. Don’t worry. But I do want to talk about endings.

My secondary relationship reached its end, officially, just over a week ago. After not seeing each other for several weeks, I finally “called time of death” on our romantic relationship. It just wasn’t working out, and after repeated attempts to save it, I finally just gave up. As I felt I was the only one making any real effort to maintain things (whether true or not, it’s how I felt), I had to come to terms that it was no longer making me happy and to face the reality that if he wasn’t going to make the effort, then maybe he just wasn’t that into the relationship. He was asking me to lower my expectations of the relationship so far that I basically had to stop caring. And that wasn’t fun for me. Apathy is a real turn off.

C’est l’amour.

This ending made me sad, but not upset. I loved this man. I loved being in a relationship with him. He’s beautiful, we had great chemistry and he made me feel sexy (something I don’t often feel, as a mum). He was an escape from my day to day routine, but also not afraid of coming over to my house and helping out with the baby. I saw such potential in that relationship, and had such high hopes for the future. Letting go of that was hard. But in the end it was when I withdrew my emotional investment that I even knew how much I had invested.

The aftermath has left me feeling unsexy and unlovable. My libido is all but gone and I’m putting all my energy into being a mum and into trying to lose a few kilos.

I’ve started weaning my son. He’s doing well. I’m down to one breastfeed per day. He drinks milk from a cup like a champ, so I’m not too worried about that anymore. I admire women who keep going with breastfeeding, but my son doesn’t seem to be enjoying himself that much anymore. I think I realised it was time when he seemed too distracted every time I tried to offer him the bewb. He was still crying if I stopped prematurely, but now he’s stopped that. Now, I give him one long, intensive breast feed in the evening. Soon, I’ll stop offering that. The end is imminent. By the time his Birthday comes along, he’ll be done.

I’m a little sad about it, but hopefully it will  make things easier. I’ll be able to wear a real bra again and go back on normal birth control pills. I won’t have to wear easy access tops and I can even contemplate going back to work, putting my son in childcare. And I won’t have little teeth-shaped bruises on my nipples.

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