I like to think of myself as a good writer. At the very least, I try to be a careful writer. I steer away from ambiguous words, and try to illustrate my point in several ways (when I have a point, that is). This prevents others from taking what I write the wrong way, or inferring something that isn’t there.
These skills are also important in relationships. Since communication is so important, it’s also important to be clear in your use of language. Euphemism, innuendo, and vague word choices can set you up for some disastrous results. I wrote about this before when talking about how “sex” can even be defined differently depending on our boundaries or by the circumstances. Ambiguity is the enemy of art, to paraphrase Stanislavski, and it’s also the enemy of healthy communication.
For example, when setting boundaries, it’s important to be clear what you mean. Saying, “I’m not interested in a serious relationship” leaves way too much room for creative interpretations. “Relationship” could mean several things, and “serious” – what the hell is that? The person saying it could mean ” I don’t have a lot of time to devote to a partner right now, but I’d be interested in an ongoing friendship with benefits,” but to the person hearing it, it could mean “I’m just interested in having fun for tonight, be gone before breakfast,” or vice versa. Besides, you can’t regulate something like emotional attachment. Things you can regulate are concrete things like actions, time and space constraints and priorities. Rules that work are “No dates during the week,” “Never hook up while drunk,” “No sleeping over when I’m home,” or “My primary relationship comes first over any others.” There is no wiggle room on those. They are clear, concrete and well defined.
Another example is in reporting activities to a partner. “We fooled around” could mean just kissing to one partner, but to the other could mean oral sex. But in some cases, that phrase is acceptible if there is further information included. “We fooled around, but didn’t go very far. Just some touching.” That’s still vague, but it established some clearer parameters without getting into potentially uncomforable details: at least the partner knows that there was no oral or penetrative sex. Fair enough.
Clear communication means eliminating guesswork. Unless a person has all of the pertinent information, they can’t make an informed decision. And everyone has the right to make an informed decision.
Poly Momma 
I agree that clarity in communication should be the goal. I feel that a phrase like “my primary relationship comes first before all others” is still quite ambiguous. Specifically the “comes first” part. Is that a blanket statement? Does dinner and a night watching television with your primary take higher priority than an invitation to go to a fancy night out at the theatre with another partner, or even a friend?
I think that an element of ambiguity is unavoidable.
Talking about sex I have with one partner to another is something I find tricky. I tend to have no TMI or grossout threshold, but I self-censor a lot because I don’t like getting an “I don’t want to know” response from my partner. In a perfect world, I’d have a long fun chat about everything that happened with my other partner, and maybe it would lead to something in the retelling. I guess I still have an “isn’t sex cool?!” response that never left from my teenage years 🙂
Good point about that rule. I thought the same thing when I read it later.
I guess more specific rules that come under that category would be: “Clear all plans with my primary partner before engaging in any sexual or otherwise relationship oriented activity with another partner.” Or perhaps, “If another partner tries to make me choose between a relationship with him/her or my primary, I will always choose my primary.”
Yeah. I feel weird talking about my sex life with Mr. Caboose. He has no problem with hearing details, I just feel weird talking about it for some reason. If it’s good, then I feel like I’m bragging, if it’s bad I feel like I’m talking shit about someone, if it’s something that is just different, then I feel like I’m pressuring him to change. I dunno. I’m probably projecting my own insecurities which I try not to do if I can help it. Sometimes I can’t help it. 😛