“Never tear down a fence until you know why it was raised.” – Robert Frost
After reading this article by Ms. Scarlet on Life on the Swingset, I was inspired to think a bit about my relationship with Husband.
When I first started this blog, we had a set of hard and fast rules. Since then, we’ve grown a lot more comfortable with simply allowing the policies of honest negotiation guide our action rather than a list of set rules. One of the main reasons I don’t like the idea of rules anymore is that they are pretty pointless. One assumes that rules exist to protect stakeholders. But rules mean next to nothing without consequences. Safety rules are pretty non-negotiable, but the consequences for a breach of those rules are self enforcing. What of a case where you follow the letter of the law but not the spirit of the law? Such as thinking, “Well, I’m supposed to tell her if I have sex. There was no penetration, therefore it wasn’t sex, so I don’t have to tell her about it.”
The problem with that, of course, is that if the truth does come out, either by the other party confessing, a member of the group testing positive for an STI or by some other slip-up, you have just damaged the trust you worked hard to establish (or re-establish). “Rules” did nothing to protect anyone in that situation. Accountability is a sign of maturity and you don’t need rules to accept that there are consequences for your actions.
But I’ve gotten a bit off-track. This isn’t what Ms. Scarlet’s article is about. It’s about boundaries; the particular limits on the level of intimacy you allow yourself when it comes to extramonogamous (that’s a word, right?) relationships. Her list includes things like co-habitating, having children and combining finances. So, a bit beyond ‘no kissing’ or ‘no anal’. In Ms. Scarlet’s case, she and her partner identify mainly as ‘swingers’ which is not really something I consider myself.
In my relationship with Husband, we have frequently discussed the possibility of a co-primary situation (the opportunity has arisen more than once for him, just once for me). Unfortunately, it’s not our own relationship that has set the limit in the past, it has been the other person setting the limit for themselves. In spite of the fact that we have been willing or even enthusiastic about the idea of integrating someone into our lives, so far nobody has been too keen on committing to that kind of blended family.
But we do allow for that possibility.
As I am moving on this year, finally allowing the possibility for new relationships again after a significant mourning period, I will have to face these issues again. What level of intimacy am I comfortable with now? Will I be able to open my heart to someone new? What are my deal-breakers? (Another post in itself, actually.)
What about you? What are your limits? Are they negotiable? Why do you have them?
Poly Momma 
Boundaries are soooo important! I first learned about the concept of polyamory from Roberto Hogue’s cool book, Real Secrets of Sex. It was such a basic explanation, but there was something there that really felt like home. I talked about it with my awesome boyfriend and he agreed we should give it a try.
I suppose the only real boundary necessary is COMPLETE HONESTY. At first, we started with no rules except for the safety ones and fine tuned from there. As things felt uncomfortable to either one of us, we’d have an immediate discussion and then make a rule and go from there.
Probably not the best way to go, but it really has made our communication seamless and trustworthy.
Hello,
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All the best
Jens Christensen
I like the distinction between rules and boundaries. Although really what it comes down to is trust between you and your spouse.
If you openly discuss things, tell each other what you want and don’t want… What reason is there to lie? (I suppose this is perfect world scenario.)
My husband and I have been trying the poly amorous lifestyle for the past few years… Although in the beginning I don’t think either of us really knew it even had a name. We fought sometimes. We did it like bunnies other times!! It took awhile but when we were able to be honest with each other, that was when we succeeded. 🙂
I know you’ll find someone else
To let into your lives. I’m betting someone is just around the corner.
Good luck and keep us posted!!
[…] social script, you are going to have to define your boundaries for yourself. I’ve written about rules and boundaries before, and it’s still a very important […]