A child brings a new dimension to my lifestyle. It means there must be a great deal more precise planning when engaging in any shenanigans, but if one of us goes out, the other can stay home with the baby, so each of us gets a break every now and then. I’m lucky to have found a secondary that loves babies, but when my husband and I originally announced our plans to reproduce, my husband’s secondary didn’t take the news very well. She has since come around, and has a healthy relationship with our son. She even babysits for us occasionally, so we can get some time alone together. We have a happy family and things are going well.
In the future, things are, of course, going to get more complicated. I have spoken to other poly parents about this, and they have had to deal with these issues already. There’s no clear cut answer to how to deal with being poly with children. It’s unique to each couple (or triad or poly-family) and their situation. In our family, we are still somewhat in the closet. My mother knows, my mother-in-law knows, but my father is still in the dark. And I’d like to keep it that way, as he’s somewhat conservative and very protective of me. Also, my husband and his secondary work together and we live in a relatively small town, so they’ve had to keep things somwhat under wraps. So while we plan to be honest with our son, what do we do when he blurts out to his grandpa that “Mummy’s friend slept over last night,” or whatever?
My husband and I haven’t decided how we are going to deal with the specifics, but we know we plan to be honest and keep things age appropriate. We have more detailed discussions about how to deal with the whole Santa Claus thing (he’s against it entirely, I’m for making it a game) than we do about how to deal with this. We seem to think we will deal with it as it comes along.
This is a pretty good source for answers to the questions other people might have. The bottom line is that I think living this lifestyle means that there is more love around, and a child that grows up surrounded by love is a child that grows up happy.
Poly Momma 
So true – in the middle of dinner at my in-laws (although our siblings and friends know about our approach to relationships, both sets of parents are technically unaware) my daughter yelled out, ‘Daddy stayed at ‘s house last night.’ The brief awkward silence was broken by me finishing the conversation with a ‘that’s right, and stayed over at our house. Didn’t he read you a story?’
We’ve explained to our daughter that her grandparents might think an open relationship was weird. She, on the other hand, (aged 7) complains in love-triangle-plot movies that ‘if the boys both like the girl, why can’t they just BOTH be her boyfriend?’
Her education seems to be working out okay so far.
I look forward to seeing the next generation deal with high school romance drama. “Billy is my boyfriend, but I like you too, Tommy. I’ll ask him if he would mind if you were my boyfriend, too.” I wonder how that will go over…
Ours have learned the importance of discretion, but there were a few harrowing episodes early on.
Similar to yourself, we’re not “out” to many people, and both sets of parents are unaware of our lifestyle. Whilst we do spend some time thinking about how to explain our situation to family, friends and our dear son (DS), we’re very much just taking it as it comes.
So far we havent had too many awkward questions or slip-ups from DS. I think part of the reason for this is 1) Mrs CT’s bf sometimes stays over even when Mrs CT isn’t here, as well as nights when I am here. We can thus honestly say that he is “a friend of both mummy and daddy” if anyone ever asks about the frequency of him being here and his presence isn’t something completely unusual to DS. 2) Mrs CT is a shift worker so her not being home at night or on weekends isn’t something unusual either.
This obviously won’t last as he is a smart kid who likes to ask questions.(e.g. after seeing an advert for a show the other night he asked ” what do they mean by ‘a cheater can always spot another cheater’ “) However I’m hoping that simple answers “mum is visiting her friends”, “mum is having breakfast with her friends” etc will suffice until he is old enough to understand that not every detail of family life needs to be shared.
The challenge for me at a personal ethical level is coming up with answers and explanations that are as honest and open as can be, whilst still being age appropriate and not causing unnecessary confusion .. or leading him to out us when we’re least expecting it!