Well, that was fun.
All this complication, confusion and fretting has come to a close. For me, anyway.
FAIL.
New Guy was not being paranoid, and it turns out it wasn’t my fault for getting “too excited.” I wound up in the middle of another couple’s communication issues, and was actually somewhat of a victim in the whole thing. I wasn’t operating with a full set of information and therefore made assumptions based on my previous experience. Had I known the truth of the situation, I would have made different decisions. I guess I learned not to assume that everyone’s polyamorous relationship is based on the same thing. I actually already knew that, but in the future, I will try to suss out the whole picture before I proceed and be clearer about my own expectations from the start.
So now, instead of a New Guy, I have a New Friend.
In light of this recent catastrophe, I’d like to share some of the other poly FAILs I’ve encountered along my journey.
- There was the guy who knew I was poly, then proceded, during coitus, to ask, “Why would you want to be with anyone but me?” And it was all I could do not to push him off me and say “Actually, the fact that you’d ask that makes me not want to be with you at all.”
- There was the fellow who, over the course of a year of an open relationship told me repeatedly that he was not in love with me, was incapable of being in love, then broke down after I ended things with him, telling me that he had always loved me. I did love him, but after a year of dealing with his self destructive behaviours, I couldn’t watch him abuse himself anymore. He only made things worse by trying to emotionally blackmail me with talk of love when I tried to walk away.
- There were the many times I got attached to a lover, only to have him leave me when a “real relationship” came along.
- Then there were all my failed attempts when, after a series of casual lovers, I thought the only solution to my craving for intimacy was to pursue a monogamous relationship with someone, in spite of the fact that I’m not, by nature, monogamous. Those did not last.
All these experiences helped me to grow and to get closer to figuring out what I want. I’m grateful now that I have a partner who supports me and loves me no matter what. Now, at the end of the day I have someone I love to come home to.
I hope that New Friend can learn from his mistakes and become a better person from this experience. And maybe, at some point, New Friend can be New Guy after all. I’m not holding my breath, though.
Poly Momma 
“There were the many times I got attached to a lover, only to have him leave me when a “real relationship” came along.” Is that not just their failure in communicating that they wish to attempt a monogamous relationship with someone because that is what THAT woman requires?
Do feel that a person who is polyamourous is incapable of being monogamous?
In some cases, rather than risk driving a potential monogamous partner away, they would pre-emptively dump me. In others, what they had been looking for all along was a monogamous relationship, and we had failed to discuss that ahead of time (a mistake I no longer make). I all cases, they dumped me in insensitive ways that made me feel like less of a person. Either by suddenly announcing, “Hey, I have a girlfriend now” or in one case, sending me a message via FaceBook. I understand the reasons behind it, but now I know that I have to have the “Are you going to keep looking for a monogamous partner? Here’s how to dump me if you are…” talk well in advance.
Your second question is interesting. First of all, there is the point of semantics. There are two ways of using the term ‘polyamorous.’ My husband tends to only use the term to describe the practice of polyamory, i.e. the relationship is polyamorous. I tend to think of it as an orientation, like being bisexual, i.e. just because I’m with in a monogamous/hetero relationship, I am still poly/bi. If you haven’t seen the map of non-monogamy? It illustrates what I see as the false dichotomy of poly/mono.
I would even go so far as to say that monogamy as the default relationship style for our species is a bit of a myth. (See Sex at Dawn)
However, I do believe that a person who is non-monogamous by nature should be able to maintain a monogamous relationship for a while, people do it all the time. What I think happens is that in order to fit into society’s model of monogamy, and if they want to do what society tells them is the most ethical thing, they must jump from relationship to relationship. Serial monogamy is seen as the ‘honourable’ way to go and divorce is the ‘moral’ choice in the case of marriage.
I don’t see it that way and polyamory as a practice is much easier to maintain (once you have the proper relationship skills) than dealing with breakup after breakup.
In short, I don’t think a poly person is incapable of being monogamous. However, I don’t think a poly person should enter into a relationship in which monogamy is expected and think that their poly nature is going to magically go away because they’ve met the ‘right person.’ I think the mono party should know what they are getting into and they should negotiate an exit strategy and expectations early on to save some heartbreak down the line.
(I hope that answers your question. It’s pretty early in the morning so I don’t know how clear I’m being.)
Cool, thanks 🙂 It is very clear.
And yeah, its incredible (in a really bad way) how bad people are at ending relationships in a sensitive way.
I’m not sure I agree, but am not sure I disagree either. It is not something I have thought about before really, but since starting to read your blog it has been on my mind a lot. Thank you for your helpful answers.