Well, that was fun.
All this complication, confusion and fretting has come to a close. For me, anyway.
New Guy was not being paranoid, and it turns out it wasn’t my fault for getting “too excited.” I wound up in the middle of another couple’s communication issues, and was actually somewhat of a victim in the whole thing. I wasn’t operating with a full set of information and therefore made assumptions based on my previous experience. Had I known the truth of the situation, I would have made different decisions. I guess I learned not to assume that everyone’s polyamorous relationship is based on the same thing. I actually already knew that, but in the future, I will try to suss out the whole picture before I proceed and be clearer about my own expectations from the start.
So now, instead of a New Guy, I have a New Friend.
In light of this recent catastrophe, I’d like to share some of the other poly FAILs I’ve encountered along my journey.
- There was the guy who knew I was poly, then proceded, during coitus, to ask, “Why would you want to be with anyone but me?” And it was all I could do not to push him off me and say “Actually, the fact that you’d ask that makes me not want to be with you at all.”
- There was the fellow who, over the course of a year of an open relationship told me repeatedly that he was not in love with me, was incapable of being in love, then broke down after I ended things with him, telling me that he had always loved me. I did love him, but after a year of dealing with his self destructive behaviours, I couldn’t watch him abuse himself anymore. He only made things worse by trying to emotionally blackmail me with talk of love when I tried to walk away.
- There were the many times I got attached to a lover, only to have him leave me when a “real relationship” came along.
- Then there were all my failed attempts when, after a series of casual lovers, I thought the only solution to my craving for intimacy was to pursue a monogamous relationship with someone, in spite of the fact that I’m not, by nature, monogamous. Those did not last.
All these experiences helped me to grow and to get closer to figuring out what I want. I’m grateful now that I have a partner who supports me and loves me no matter what. Now, at the end of the day I have someone I love to come home to.
I hope that New Friend can learn from his mistakes and become a better person from this experience. And maybe, at some point, New Friend can be New Guy after all. I’m not holding my breath, though.