Imagine you have an acquaintance who is a big soccer fan. They play soccer, sing soccer songs and watch soccer. They love soccer and they talk about their soccer team all the time.
One day you tell them that you’re not really into soccer, but you are a sports fan.
“What do you mean, you don’t like soccer? What other sport is there?”
“Well, I like basketball. I play on a local team.”
“Basket ball? What’s that?”
“Well, players try to get a ball into the other team’s basket.”
“Ok, I follow. Like soccer.”
“Yeah, except you bounce the ball with your hands instead of using your feet.”
“Wait, what? You mean you can CHEAT?”
“No, it just has different rules.”
“What do the other players think about that?”
“Well, they all play by the same rules.”
“Maybe you just didn’t commit to soccer. It takes a lot of hard work.”
“So does basketball. It’s really difficult.”
“But it’s just basically permission to cheat. I just couldn’t do that. Sorry.”
“Well, I don’t like playing soccer. Basketball is closer to my skill set and I find it much more exciting and intimate to play. I love watching the game because it’s more fast paced and suits me better.”
“I just couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if the other players were allowed to use their hands like that. I couldn’t do it.”
“Well, it takes skill, but you realise you’d be able to use your hands too, right?”
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to. I prefer only using my feet to kick the ball. I couldn’t do it any other way. I just couldn’t.”
“Nobody is making you. We just like different things.”
“Okay, but please don’t talk about this basket ball thing around my soccer friends. It might make them feel weird.”
And this is what it is like to talk to some people about polyamory.
Reblogged this on SoloPoly and commented:
OMG, this is so so true! And to extend the metaphor even further, just try explaining to many people in the poly community that no, you don’t have/want a primary-style partner or do hierarchical relationships — but yes, you’re still polyamorous!
Reblogged this on Poly Aphrodite and commented:
This is absolutely hilarious and true!
[…] Love this post. […]
[…] blog Poly Momma because the author is very insightful about poly issues. Recently she posted “Polyamory and a Sports Metaphor” that I thought is just brilliant. I suggest you read it, if only for the enlightenment […]
Yes, totally, yes.
And, of course, sometimes you don’t even tell people that you play basketball, because that’s a freakish sport and you must be evil for playing it. Hence why some of us aren’t out everywhere.
Love this! As a past poly 101 lecturer and panel member at several colleges I would have loved to have this as a handout! Reposted to my facebook friends and will continue passing it on… Brilliant and well said! 🙂
Perfect.
Reblogged this on Tapage nocturne and commented:
Some great thoughts on this blog (despite a few disagreements).
My one problem with this analogy is that there should be some way to indicate that there are literal inabilities to cross camps for many people. Like a bunch of the basketball people don’t have legs or the soccer people don’t have arms or whatever. It isn’t *just* that there’s another set of rules, it’s that there are multiple wirings, and that is where it gets tricky to explain things to people. Just explaining a new set of rules is easy. Explaining them to people who are wired differently is *hard*.
No legs?
How about where the soccer person says “I couldn’t do it.” and then:
“Well, it takes skill, but you realise you’d be able to use your hands too, right?”
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to. I prefer only using my feet to kick the ball. I couldn’t do it any other way. I just couldn’t.”
It’s covered. Don’t blow it up to amputations. People do or don’t, or *can’t*, because that’s who they are. It doesn’t require mutilation.
Some people are just wired differently, true, but most are just indoctrinated and unable to break out of the standing dogma. This covers both, as is.
Fantastic analogy!
I feel like I’ve had this discussion when explaining curling, much less poly.
Sweet mother of god, I spent the last ten minutes laughing really hard.
Yeah, that is pretty spot on to the exact conversation’s I’ve had over the last eight or so years.
What MuseMama said. What’s basketball? I only know soccer. I don’t know what you’re talking about. La la la. Hey what’s over there?
amazing!
Maybe the soccer person could more easily understand swinging
a hockey stick….
This is wonderful; thank you.
I read this aloud to my primary partner. Until the very last word, she says, she thought it was about marriage equality. 🙂
Well done.
[…] Polyamory and a Sports Metaphor: “Imagine you have an acquaintance who is a big soccer fan. They play soccer, sing soccer songs and watch soccer. They love soccer and they talk about their soccer team all the time.” (PolyMomma) […]
[…] Here is the original link to this post for further exploration: https://polymomma.com/2013/07/11/polyamory-and-a-sports-metaphor/ […]
Fantastic post! This felt really spot on to me. I reblogged as well. Thanks for sharing!
But the goalie can use his hands and that’s not cheating…;)
I laughed SO HARD when I read this analogy. Its insanely poignant. Spot on. Hilarious.
[…] https://polymomma.com/2013/07/11/polyamory-and-a-sports-metaphor […]
i feel like, this is a metaphor for everything in my life, not just the idea of poly, but like, all open minded ideas ranging from sexuality to religion LOL
Reblogged this on Poly Venture and commented:
I love this, thanks Poly Momma! (Also, subscribe!)
[…] “Polyamory and a Sports Metaphor” by noblecaboose (Sex and Culture, Sociology, Relationship) […]
People who insist on calling futball ‘soccer’ are no different than a swinger mislabeling his sexual frolicking ‘polyamory’.
Not exactly, but as a pedant myself, I’ll allow this bit of cultural chauvinism. 😉
You see, both “football” and “soccer” are abbreviations of the sport’s full name, “association football”. However in the US and Australia, “football” is the abbreviation for other forms of football (gridiron, and rugby/Aussie rules, respectively). “Soccer”, therefore is a much more specific term to refer to avoid confusion. Had I called it “football” or even “futball (sic)”, anyone in the US or Australia could be confused. By calling it “soccer” everyone knows what I’m talking about.
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That was hilarious and truly accurate.