Archive for the ‘families’ Category

Just ran across this article that @PolyWeekly tweeted today.

Here’s an excerpt:

…why did I suddenly find myself building a nursery for a 4 year old and a 2 year old? I mean, children normally come into your life in predictable stages. You have 9ish months to build a baby nursery and then age it gradually as the child grows. But I never saw these kids as infants. They sprang fully formed into my life. After knowing them for a little less than a year, I figured it was time they had their own room in my house.I am not their stepmother. Even though I am Daddy’s girlfriend, I am not even a potential stepmother. Daddy doesn’t live with me. He lives in a small town in rural Georgia with his loving wife and beautiful young boys. I live three hours away in Atlanta with my amazing husband and a strict budget that does not (yet!) allow for children.

It’s great getting the perspective on the role of a secondary partner of someone with kids.

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A child brings a new dimension to my lifestyle. It means there must be a great deal more precise planning when engaging in any shenanigans, but if one of us goes out, the other can stay home with the baby, so each of us gets a break every now and then. I’m lucky to have found a secondary that loves babies, but when my husband and I originally announced our plans to reproduce, my husband’s secondary didn’t take the news very well. She has since come around, and has a healthy relationship with our son. She even babysits for us occasionally, so we can get some time alone together. We have a happy family and things are going well.

In the future, things are, of course, going to get more complicated. I have spoken to other poly parents about this, and they have had to deal with these issues already. There’s no clear cut answer to how to deal with being poly with children. It’s unique to each couple (or triad or poly-family) and their situation. In our family, we are still somewhat in the closet. My mother knows, my mother-in-law knows, but my father is still in the dark. And I’d like to keep it that way, as he’s somewhat conservative and very protective of me. Also, my husband and his secondary work together and we live in a relatively small town, so they’ve had to keep things somwhat under wraps. So while we plan to be honest with our son, what do we do when he blurts out to his grandpa that “Mummy’s friend slept over last night,” or whatever?

My husband and I haven’t decided how we are going to deal with the specifics, but we know we plan to be honest and keep things age appropriate.  We have more detailed discussions about how to deal with the whole Santa Claus thing (he’s against it entirely, I’m for making it a game) than we do about how to deal with this. We seem to think we will deal with it as it comes along.

This is a pretty good source for answers to the questions other people might have. The bottom line is that I think living this lifestyle means that there is more love around, and a child that grows up surrounded by love is a child that grows up happy.

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Father’s Day

Today is Father’s Day in the US. In Australia, Father’s Day is in September, when the weather starts to get a little warmer and a picnic wouldn’t be out of order.

I was perusing the Google News feed and I smacked into this insulting piece of patriarchical propaganda that almost made me lose my breakfast. It is written by some godbag who believes that fathers are somehow not doing their jobs of making men into men and women into cowering doormats.

He paints what I would consider a terrifying picture of his father: An overbearing, abusive, fanatically religious tyrant, who used “the lash” to get his attention. However, this author clearly saw his father as the perfect patriarch.

It’s an obvious reaction to the recent long-term study that lesbian couples raise more well adjusted kids than hetero couples. Perhaps it was the lack of sexual oppression in a home of only women. Perhaps men are *gasp* not necessary to make a child, boy or girl, grow up into a healthy, happy adult person. Perhaps, even, men are a hindrance as a parent rather than a helpful force.

As a straight person (well, bisexual, but in a straight relationship), I am not threatened by this study. I have known several people who were raised in lesbian households and they were no different than people who weren’t. No better, no worse. I mean, they were, of course unique individuals like anyone else, but they were not especially notable as being more well adjusted or anything like that. I think what is important is that a child be praised, given structure and have parents and a loving support system. A child needs that bank of love upon which to draw.

What the sanctimonious godbag who wrote that stupid piece of Father’s Day shaming failed to take into account is that donating some DNA does not give a man the right to call himself a father. He’s seriously begging the question when he assumes that all men are equipped to be fathers. Yes, a child needs parents, but just because some d00d spurts his sperm into a woman’s baby hole, that doesn’t make him quality parenting material. What makes a man parenting material is compassion, responsibility, maturity, the ability and willingness to put in the time and effort to make life as good as possible for his offspring.  What if the child’s biological donor is a complete asshat? What if he’s a kiddie fiddler? What if he’s a Godsmack fan? What kind of father would that kind of man be? What about the dads who are around but who simply suck at being a dad? Like the author’s tyrannical, bible bashing, macho man? Or the guys who do things like this? Wouldn’t a child be better off without a complete fuckwit setting a bad example? I certainly think so.

I chose to marry my partner because I wanted to stay in Australia. I wanted to stay in Australia because I wanted to have a long term partnership with a man with whom I had fallen in love.  I took advantage of the privilege set up in the system for hetero couples and married him according to the carefully heterocentric wording required to get married in this state. I had a baby with him because I thought he would be a good parent and it’s proven true. We have a wonderful baby and a great partnership. We provide a loving household and try to set good examples for our offspring so that he will grow into a loving, responsible adult. And that hasn’t anything to do with the gender of us as parents.

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