Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Poly Pretties

18/08/2010 by PolyMomma

Hello my readers (all 12 or so of you)!

You may have noticed I’ve made some changes to the blog. I switched to another theme (I think this one’s called Misty) which allowed me to create a custom header. I used the freeware program GIMP to create the image. It’s not a perfect software program, but it is good enough for my amateur purposes. It reminds me a bit of the old cracked version of Paint Shop Pro I used to have on my computer back in 1999 when I made my own website using pure HTML. Ah, the 90’s…

Anyway…

The image on the right is of me breastfeeding my son at two or three weeks, the image on the left is of me holding my son at about 8 months. The centre image is modified from a picture of a silver pendant from Abzu Emporium. In case you aren’t familiar with the symbol, it is one of the common symbols for polyamory: a heart with the infinity sign wrapped around it, signifying the infinite possibilities of loving openly. Abzu Emporium has several lovely pieces incorporating this symbol, from a small silver charm for $5 to a 14k gold pendant for $110. Any of them would make a great gift for a wife, girlfriend, or your favourite poly blogger (Hint! Hint!).

I also found this belt buckle on Etsy, so if you want to get something for one of the men in your life, or if you have a lady that likes big belt buckles, or if you just want to get it for yourself.

Posted in polyamory | Leave a Comment »

Polyamory in the News reviews Sex at Dawn

15/08/2010 by PolyMomma

I’ve been reading a great deal of buzz about the new book Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. Mostly people just saying that the book is important, or that reading it has been opening their eyes, making them feel less ashamed of their poly lifestyle. After all, having science back up what has, for some of us, been an often uncomfortable truth, is very gratifying. It confirms what we’ve been saying for years, that some of us just aren’t “wired for monogamy.”  It even, apparently, goes so far as to say that most of us aren’t wired for monogamy, or at least, that wiring is usually temporary. I, for one, am very keen to read it, but books are expensive here in Australia and I’m waiting until my upcoming trip to the US to pick up a copy.

Polyamory in the News has written one of the more thorough reviews I’ve read, but more notable is that they go on to explain why this book is so important for the public’s understanding and acceptance of polyamory:

For most of the polyamory movement’s 30-year history, advocates who have sought to give poly a theoretical foundation have generally turned to New Age or spiritual philosophies, involving things like the limitless nature of love, the spiritual heart of the universe, and other concepts that I find fairy-taley and unproductive. By unproductive I mean that theories built on them never seem to lead anywhere predictive or useful, as a good theory must.

Ryan and Jethá have now given us a theoretical underpinning that is concrete, scientific, and evidence-based. They show that polyamory matches what human nature actually evolved to be. Seen in this light, the modern, ethical, egalitarian version of poly offers a path to a saner future — in which humans are not so perpetually conflicted with themselves, and are less driven by the insatiable needs and neuroses that in many ways are causing us to ruin the world.

Powerful stuff.  I really can’t wait to read this book.

Posted in polyamory, sex | 4 Comments »

Quickie: My Happy Mommy/Metamour Moment

29/07/2010 by PolyMomma

(Should that be “Merry” instead of “Happy”? Nah…)

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit shut-in. I live waaay out in the suburbs and it takes me at least 20 minutes to get ANYWHERE. My husband takes the car during the week and to get anywhere I either need to walk or take the bus. It’s a pain and it’s very, very isolating.
I have a mothers group, or at least I had a mothers group, but they tend to get together in places that I can’t get to without a car. We used to meet in the park, but now that it’s winter, that’s not practical.
And now some of them have gone back to work full time. I’ve been considering putting my son in childcare one day a week so I at least get a little ‘grown-up time’ once in a while. But childcare is going to be expensive, and I’m pretty sure what I’ll be making at a job won’t even cover the cost. It’s frustrating at times, and very lonely.
Yesterday, however, I had a lovely afternoon. My husband’s girlfriend’s other partner, with whom she co-habitates, works evenings and has a car. He told me last week that if I ever want company, that he can come by and hang out. I’m totally out of his way, but it was a nice offer. Yesterday, I was starting to get the lonely crazies and so I took him up on his offer. He came by, looked after my son so I could take a shower and we played a card game and chatted while my son crawled around. It was such a nice reminder of the benefits of having a poly family.
Next week, my husband’s going to be away, and his girlfriend has offered to babysit so that I can continue my activities. And my secondary partner will be coming by in the evenings to keep me company. We’re all part of one big, happy, poly family.

Posted in families, motherhood, parenting, polyamory | 2 Comments »

Why I hate that stupid Katy Perry song.

15/07/2010 by PolyMomma

Katy Perry bugs the ever living SHIT out of me.

Not that I’m terribly familiar with her work, just that one song, I Kissed a Girl.

(I picked this clip so you can read the lyrics, which I will analyse in a bit.)

Now, firstly, the title and subject had already been done and done better by Jill Sobule in the 90’s.

Secondly, Katy Perry’s song doesn’t even have the balls to actually be about fluid sexuality.

Let’s break down the lyrics (I’m paraphrasing because I assume you’ll watch the video for the actual lyrics):

Verse 1:

Girl impulsively and drunkenly stumbles up to a random girl with the idea to “try her on”

Already, Katy is objectifying this other girl. The girl doesn’t have a name, she doesn’t know her and she already has no intention of going further.

Chorus:

She admits to liking it, but makes it clear that she’s not gay (because that would be wrong), by mentioning her boyfriend and stating that it “don’t mean I’m in love tonight.”

Not only is she disrespectful of the girl she’s kissing, leading this poor girl on, potentially, but she’s also cheating on her boyfriend because, obviously, they have not discussed this, or she wouldn’t have to “hope” he “don’t mind it”.

Verse 2:

She re-iterates that she doesn’t know this girl’s name and doesn’t care. She’s just experimenting and again refers to how subversive and bad she’s being by kissing a girl.

Far from normalising this encounter, she makes it clear she thinks it’s unnatural and kinky.

Bridge:

She regales us with how “magical” women are, by talking about only physical things: lips, skin, etc. And then downplays all of the previous talk of how “wrong” it is by saying, “it’s innocent.” Innocent to whom? To you? Has it occurred to you that just because this person you are kissing doesn’t have a penis, doesn’t mean she has innocent intentions?

I had a friend, a really lovely dyke friend, back in college who was constantly “the experiment” for girls exploring their bisexuality. Inevitably, they would go back to their boyfriend, or would meet a guy, and she’d be left alone. She was treated as less than a person because she was a woman. BY A FELLOW WOMAN! At one point, she and I almost had an encounter, and I had to turn her down because I was already in love with a man at the time and I really didn’t want to lead her on, even though I would have really liked to have slept with her. I didn’t want to hurt my friend by pretending it was ‘innocent fun.’ And I think she really appreciated it.

In short, I think Katy Perry’s song is misogynistic, irresponsible and it grossly misrepresents bisexuality.

And her music kind of sucks anyway.

Posted in bisexuality, sex | 2 Comments »

Poly Parenting on Offbeat Mama

13/07/2010 by PolyMomma

Just ran across this article that @PolyWeekly tweeted today.

Here’s an excerpt:

…why did I suddenly find myself building a nursery for a 4 year old and a 2 year old? I mean, children normally come into your life in predictable stages. You have 9ish months to build a baby nursery and then age it gradually as the child grows. But I never saw these kids as infants. They sprang fully formed into my life. After knowing them for a little less than a year, I figured it was time they had their own room in my house.I am not their stepmother. Even though I am Daddy’s girlfriend, I am not even a potential stepmother. Daddy doesn’t live with me. He lives in a small town in rural Georgia with his loving wife and beautiful young boys. I live three hours away in Atlanta with my amazing husband and a strict budget that does not (yet!) allow for children.

It’s great getting the perspective on the role of a secondary partner of someone with kids.

Posted in families, parenting, polyamory, relationships | Leave a Comment »

What to tell the young’un?

30/06/2010 by PolyMomma

A child brings a new dimension to my lifestyle. It means there must be a great deal more precise planning when engaging in any shenanigans, but if one of us goes out, the other can stay home with the baby, so each of us gets a break every now and then. I’m lucky to have found a secondary that loves babies, but when my husband and I originally announced our plans to reproduce, my husband’s secondary didn’t take the news very well. She has since come around, and has a healthy relationship with our son. She even babysits for us occasionally, so we can get some time alone together. We have a happy family and things are going well.

In the future, things are, of course, going to get more complicated. I have spoken to other poly parents about this, and they have had to deal with these issues already. There’s no clear cut answer to how to deal with being poly with children. It’s unique to each couple (or triad or poly-family) and their situation. In our family, we are still somewhat in the closet. My mother knows, my mother-in-law knows, but my father is still in the dark. And I’d like to keep it that way, as he’s somewhat conservative and very protective of me. Also, my husband and his secondary work together and we live in a relatively small town, so they’ve had to keep things somwhat under wraps. So while we plan to be honest with our son, what do we do when he blurts out to his grandpa that “Mummy’s friend slept over last night,” or whatever?

My husband and I haven’t decided how we are going to deal with the specifics, but we know we plan to be honest and keep things age appropriate.  We have more detailed discussions about how to deal with the whole Santa Claus thing (he’s against it entirely, I’m for making it a game) than we do about how to deal with this. We seem to think we will deal with it as it comes along.

This is a pretty good source for answers to the questions other people might have. The bottom line is that I think living this lifestyle means that there is more love around, and a child that grows up surrounded by love is a child that grows up happy.

Posted in families, motherhood, parenting, polyamory | 4 Comments »

A FAQ of sorts (Part 2 of 2)

29/06/2010 by PolyMomma

What Polyamory Isn’t (for me)

I’ve been in a non-monogamous relationship with my husband for about three years now. Before that, I was involved in other non-monogamous relationships, going back for quite a few years. In that time, I’ve found that people unfamiliar with polyamory tend to have some common misconceptions about what it means.

Myth #1.) Polyamory = Polygamy
This is not just a matter of semantics. Polyamory is a lifestyle of open relationships, where both partners are free to pursue other relationships by personal choice. Polygamy means being married to more than one person, particularly a man with multiple wives, which is often dictated by religion or culture.

Myth #2.) Polyamorous women are sluts/loose/up for anything.
This is similar to the myth that all bisexual women are interested in threesomes. As a poly woman (and a bisexual), I can tell you that neither of these is always true. I am actually quite picky. It’s not just about random sex for me.

Myth #3.) A relationship with a polyamorous person doesn’t count as a “real” relationship.
I wasn’t sure how to word this one. Basically, this is the scenario that I’ve experienced several times (and other poly women have had this happen too):
I’m in a relationship with someone, I’ve told them from the beginning that I’m non-monogamous and things go well. We spend a lot of time together and build a nice, honest relationship. Then suddenly, (usually in the springtime) they disappear for a week and when they contact me again, it’s “Hey, so I met this girl and I want to pursue a real relationship with her, so we can’t see each other anymore.” After all the time we’d spent together, talking about how awesome it is to be open and honest, he breaks up with me like it never happened. Instead of explaining to the other girl, “Look, I really like you, but I’m kind of seeing someone. It’s an open relationship, so it’s OK if we start dating, but I just need to be honest with you and with her. If you’re not cool with that then I need to know so I can let her know what’s up.”  They just assume from the start that not only will the other person not be OK with it, but that I will. I can’t tell you how much it hurts when this happens.

Myth #4.) All polyamorous couples are “swingers” just looking for a sex hookup.
This is similar to #2. My husband and I are happy with our relationship. If we pursue a relationship, sexual or otherwise, outside of our relationship, that’s our business. We don’t “swing,” though we’re not opposed to the idea if we met a couple that we were really into. “Wife-swapping” is another term I wouldn’t use. We’re also not looking for orgies or group sex either. It’s not just about sex. If either of us meets someone, and we like them, it means it doesn’t have to end with “Look, I’m married. So we can only just be friends.” It means we can pursue it further, and even have a committed, long term secondary relationship. My husband has been with his secondary partner for two years! That’s longer than most monogamous relationships he’s had!

Myth #5.) All polyamorous couples are looking for a threesome.
Yuck. Threesomes don’t work very well. It’s an unstable relationship at best and can cause a lot of strain. Not that we aren’t open to it, should it happen. It’s just not something either of us is interested in seeking out exclusively.

Myth #6.) All polyamorous couples are unhappy with their partner, otherwise they’d be monogamous.
This is just insulting. I’m very happy with my husband. He is my partner in life and I can’t imagine any reason I would ever leave him. We just don’t limit ourselves. If I had to settle for monogamy, I’d always wonder if there was “something better out there” and then when I met someone new, and all those happy NRE chemicals were swirling around in my brain, I’d think I found them and I’d be unhappy with my relationship. In this relationship, I can pursue that new thing and it doesn’t threaten my old one. It means every new relationship strengthens and deepens it. The irony is, if I was monogamous, I’d be unhappy, but the fact that we’re both polyamorous means I’m happy.

That’s all the myths I can think of now. If I think of more, I’ll write them down.

Posted in polyamory, relationships, sex | 1 Comment »

A FAQ of sorts (Part 1 of 2)

29/06/2010 by PolyMomma

OkCupid is great. I have used OkCupid to find both of the secondary partners I’ve had since I’ve been married. One didn’t work out so well in the end, but we did go out for about six months. The other is working out incredibly well, as I’ve mentioned before.

However, I’ve found that identifying as polyamorous opens one up to questions and assumptions about one’s lifestyle choices. To deal with this, I added to my OkC profile a couple of journal entries that pretty much sum up my lifestyle and what polyamory is (and isn’t) for me.

// How We Make Polyamory Work

I get asked a lot about polyamory by people considering the lifestyle who want to know how it works, being in a committed non-monogamous relationship. In reply, I usually send them some version of this answer:

The way we’ve made it work can be summed up in a word: honesty.

In more words, and a deeper explanation: We try to be completely honest, not only with each other, but with ourselves. Part of that is owning our emotions. It’s never, “You made me feel this way, how could you?” It’s “I feel this way about what you did. How can we work out a way to fix this?” Neither of us is naturally jealous, and we entered into our relationship as an open couple. When we met, we were both seeing other people and we fell in love while pursuing other relationships. We knew that monogamy wouldn’t work for us even though we were crazy about each other, and if we were going to be together it was best to acknowledge that. As a result, it’s the strongest relationship either of us has ever been in.

We have some ground rules or guidelines we try to follow. For instance: use protection until both parties have been tested, meet each other’s lovers if possible before pursuing anything, no sneaking around, no drunken hookups (unless previously arranged, as in “I’m going out tonight, and I’ll be drinking so I might hook up”), I don’t want to hear details unless I ask, don’t use a second lover as a way to escape from our problems at home, and our relationship comes first (no secondary partner can take priority over our primary). But every couple should have their own boundaries and those boundaries need to be respected. If those rules/boundaries are broken or pushed, there needs to be full disclosure and like with any jealous feelings, it’s about taking ownership.
One of the best things about being polyamorous, is taking joy in seeing your partner happy with someone else. This is sometimes known as compersion and it’s the antithesis of jealousy.
New Relationship Energy (or NRE) is that heady cocktail of hormones and emotion that you get when there’s someone new in your life. The best part about it is that it spills over into your existing relationships. Instead of lessening them, it can actually infuse them with new life and strengthen them.

There are plenty of problems that can arise in a poly relationship, so don’t ever think it’s an “easy way” to go. Poly life makes things much more complicated. Relationships between two people are hard enough, and when more people enter the equation, the difficulty rises exponentially! It takes hard work and commitment like any relationship. Complete honesty is not easy! We’ve had our problems (some of which happened when I got in the middle of fights between my husband and his ‘secondary’) and hard times, too.
I highly recommend reading The Ethical Slut as a good guide to polyamory. It’s full of very helpful advice and lots of stories of couples that have made it work.

Posted in polyamory, relationships, sex | Leave a Comment »

Things about motherhood I never anticipated

24/06/2010 by PolyMomma

Five years ago, I was living in San Francisco, in a shared house, was single and had just adopted a cat.

I did not intend to get a cat originally. I felt that it was a lot of responsibility and it would limit my living situations. Then, my housemate brought home a little bundle of fur for me (somewhat unexpectedly) and I accepted my new role: cat owner. Ripley (as I began to call her) was afraid of me at first, but as time went on, we grew on each other. I took her to get her shots and to be spayed and tested for kitty AIDS and kitty leukemia.  The test for kitty leukemia came back positive. My heart went to my throat and stayed that way until I got through the second round of tests. My little cat, who I had been so aloof about, was doomed to die. I realised how much I really loved her, and how without realising it, I had grown attached to that fluffy, scratchy, mewing beast. When I found out it was only a false positive,  I was so relieved, I cried.

Several weeks ago, my son got sick for the first time. He’d had a cold before, but this was a real bug. A tummy bug. We were at my brother-in-law’s wedding reception when my son started bubbling bile up through his nose and mouth. For the following 16 hours, he couldn’t keep anything down. It was heart-breaking seeing him suffer and not being able to do a thing. At least he still had periods of alertness and he never got much of a fever. It was gone as quickly as it came, then it was Mom and Dad’s turn.

Five years ago, I thought I would never have children. Or at least, if I did have children, I’d probably adopt and that would be many, many years away. My mid thirties, perhaps, after I’d published my first play or while resting after a quick rise to fame and the second season of my hit sketch comedy show on Comedy Central finished shooting. Or whatever. I was single, I was in a few poly relationships and was happy like that. I had a different guy for every mood. Someone like me wasn’t meant to have kids or the typical suburban existence. And yet, here I am, living in the suburbs, no play, no hit show, with a husband and a baby. Five-years-ago Me would be so disappointed. And yet, there were things people told me, that I thought would never be true:

“You’ll feel different when you’re older” – I did.

“When you meet the right guy, that’ll change.” – It did.

“But you’d be such a great Mom, you’ll love it.” – I think I am, and I do.

That last one, I think, is the one that surprised me the most. I thought I had no maternal instincts, but that day when Ripley’s test came back positive, I felt that maternal part of me make itself known. I felt strongly bound to something outside of myself. Previously, I thought I would be incapable of loving something that much that was outside of myself. I was pretty honest with myself about my selfishness. I knew I was selfish. That’s why I avoided Relationships (with a big R) and stayed in only casual affairs. But Ripley changed that.

There were also a lot of petty things I thought I wouldn’t be able to get over:

“Pregnancy is weird, uncomfortable and unnatural. I don’t want to put my body through that hell.” – Did I mention that I was selfish? Yeah. This turned out to not be true. My pregnancy was super easy. No morning sickness, I didn’t get any stretch marks until I was at 36 weeks and it was only really uncomfortable at the very end.

“Childbirth terrifies me. It’s too close to being dismembered.” – Childbirth was easy. I had no problems and by the time it came around, I was so ready for that baby to come out, it was more like having a growth removed than a limb removed. Or like taking a big poo. Only better. But that’s a bit like saying an orgasm is like a sneeze. Doesn’t really do it justice, but it’s the closest thing I can think of.

“I don’t want to create something I’m going to love only to have it slam its bedroom door in my face thirteen years later.” – Well, that’s love. The overwhelming, unconditional love that I have for this little human is worth the risk that one day, for a couple of days a week, he’s going to get pissed off at me. I will always love him. Even if he grows up and becomes a priest, or a drug addict, or a telephone psychic. I didn’t know I was capable of unconditional love until the moment I held that little purple slippery thing that the midwife pulled out of me.

I thought that I would be grossed out by the stickiness of the childbirth goo. You know, the ‘cheesy’ vernix that covers the baby when it’s born? Also, they’re covered in blood when they come out. One of the reasons I went with a water birth was so that there was a chance he’d be cleaner when I held him. Not so. When I saw videos of childbirth I always recoiled when I saw the mother kiss their goo covered wrinkly little varmint. It looked so, so yucky. But sure enough, the first thing I did when the midwife handed me that fresh new person was kiss him all over his slimy little head. There was no controlling it, even though in the back of my mind I was thinking, “I can’t believe I’m putting my mouth on this thing! Eeeeewww!!” The loudest voice in my head was screaming HALLELUJAH!! so loud that I was totally overwhelmed with the urge to kiss, kiss, kiss.

I thought that the worst thing that could happen in childbirth was that my hoo-ha was going to stretch out, or worse, tear. This turned out to be not as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, I tore. Ouch. I got stitched up real nice and in the end, my hoo-ha ended up, well, less roomy as a result. Paradoxially, I’m, er, more snug after giving birth. Yay me!

So, I did it. I’m a mother. I don’t think women need to add motherhood to their resume to be a complete woman, but I also think the experience isn’t so bad should you choose to go through with it. I like it just fine. And I never anticipated that.

Posted in motherhood | 1 Comment »

Father’s Day

21/06/2010 by PolyMomma

Today is Father’s Day in the US. In Australia, Father’s Day is in September, when the weather starts to get a little warmer and a picnic wouldn’t be out of order.

I was perusing the Google News feed and I smacked into this insulting piece of patriarchical propaganda that almost made me lose my breakfast. It is written by some godbag who believes that fathers are somehow not doing their jobs of making men into men and women into cowering doormats.

He paints what I would consider a terrifying picture of his father: An overbearing, abusive, fanatically religious tyrant, who used “the lash” to get his attention. However, this author clearly saw his father as the perfect patriarch.

It’s an obvious reaction to the recent long-term study that lesbian couples raise more well adjusted kids than hetero couples. Perhaps it was the lack of sexual oppression in a home of only women. Perhaps men are *gasp* not necessary to make a child, boy or girl, grow up into a healthy, happy adult person. Perhaps, even, men are a hindrance as a parent rather than a helpful force.

As a straight person (well, bisexual, but in a straight relationship), I am not threatened by this study. I have known several people who were raised in lesbian households and they were no different than people who weren’t. No better, no worse. I mean, they were, of course unique individuals like anyone else, but they were not especially notable as being more well adjusted or anything like that. I think what is important is that a child be praised, given structure and have parents and a loving support system. A child needs that bank of love upon which to draw.

What the sanctimonious godbag who wrote that stupid piece of Father’s Day shaming failed to take into account is that donating some DNA does not give a man the right to call himself a father. He’s seriously begging the question when he assumes that all men are equipped to be fathers. Yes, a child needs parents, but just because some d00d spurts his sperm into a woman’s baby hole, that doesn’t make him quality parenting material. What makes a man parenting material is compassion, responsibility, maturity, the ability and willingness to put in the time and effort to make life as good as possible for his offspring.  What if the child’s biological donor is a complete asshat? What if he’s a kiddie fiddler? What if he’s a Godsmack fan? What kind of father would that kind of man be? What about the dads who are around but who simply suck at being a dad? Like the author’s tyrannical, bible bashing, macho man? Or the guys who do things like this? Wouldn’t a child be better off without a complete fuckwit setting a bad example? I certainly think so.

I chose to marry my partner because I wanted to stay in Australia. I wanted to stay in Australia because I wanted to have a long term partnership with a man with whom I had fallen in love.  I took advantage of the privilege set up in the system for hetero couples and married him according to the carefully heterocentric wording required to get married in this state. I had a baby with him because I thought he would be a good parent and it’s proven true. We have a wonderful baby and a great partnership. We provide a loving household and try to set good examples for our offspring so that he will grow into a loving, responsible adult. And that hasn’t anything to do with the gender of us as parents.

Posted in families, parenting | 1 Comment »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »