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Update: My growing poly family

08/09/2011 by PolyMomma

Well, I survived.

I survived my paramour’s – that is, my BOYFRIEND’s – month long absence and it was ok!

He actually ended up meeting my parents, which was a bit strange. My mom knows the whole story, but my dad was just happy to meet one of my friends (as he was led to believe). Dear old Pater did the dad-ly, dudely thing and gave my ‘friend’ a tour of the town and took him out for a pint. Things he would still have done for a mono-boyfriend, but was happy to do for ‘just a friend.’ Because of that, I feel no need to break my dad’s innocent ignorance. He’s happy enough to treat my man like a member of the family as is. No need to fill in the details.

Upon his return, my sweetie declared that he was ready to use the official title ‘boyfriend’ since he had met my folks. A move which I found incredibly sweet. It was all NRE all over again, and only a few weeks later, we broke the seal on the “L” word. No, not “long-term” but “love” as in “I love you” and even, “I wuvs you” when we’re feeling particularly disgusting.

There was another interesting development which I meant to write about but didn’t (oh, how life tends to get in the way of blogging…). And that is that my Godparents’ sons and their wife have come out as a poly-triad (open ended, I assume, since she also has a girlfriend). It’s nice to have a bit of my extended family, of sorts, that can validate my lifestyle choice, but it was still very telling to see my family’s reaction. There was no outright shock, but there was a bit of ‘I don’t need to see that’ reaction. We all kind of knew, but there was a sense that they should keep that stuff to themselves. I sent a message voicing my support to them, explaining that I was in the same boat, or at least the same fleet. I was surprised that my brother, in particular, was very judgmental. I think he still sees his friend (one of the brothers) as being exploited by the situation. I don’t know, but I know that they’ve been together for years and they are raising beautiful children together in a house full of love. And that’s all ok by me (even if they are a bit on the hippie side of things).

As far as my son goes, he’s doing very well. His speech is coming along, slowly but surely. He’s seen a speech therapist who thinks he’s probably just delayed, not showing signs of ASD or anything. I’ve been given some strategies which I’m trying to implement, and like I said, he’s making progress. He’s able to sort of say “lemon” “watermelon” and “apple” as well as “house” and as of today, he recognises the letter “D” and says “deeh” when he sees it. So proud.

Husband has started seeing a new lady, with whom I really get along. She’s also great with my son and he has taken to her easily. She crashes over at our house quite a bit since she lives far away, which doesn’t bother me at all. I like her. In fact, I think I’ve got some kind of meta-NRE. I just think she’s fabulous and really good for Husband. He feels happy and relaxed with her and I like to see that. Between the stress of talking about home and Baby when he hangs out with me, and the stress of talking about work when he hangs out with Girlfriend, he deserves to have someone he can just talk about video games and other stuff with. After all, that’s what Boyfriend is for me.

This weekend, Husband’s Girlfriend, Boyfriend and I are going to be running in a 10K fun run. Inspired by HG’s participation in a fun run (during the training for which, I was her gym buddy), I thought it would be great to challenge myself. Between those two and their active lifestyle, I’ve picked up some great healthy habits. I’ve been running, working out and generally just being an active person for several months and I’ve noticed huge changes in my body. I’m fit. Like, really, noticeably fit. And I’m the weight I was when I was in college. Lighter, actually. I wasn’t doing it to lose weight, I was doing it to be healthier and fitter, and I can feel that I really am. It’s great. I’m thirty and I’m in better shape than I was when I was 20. Hot damn.

And I have my poly family to thank.

Who would have thought polyamory could be so good for your health?

Posted in coming out, families, polyamory | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Big Sigh…

20/06/2011 by PolyMomma

My paramour has departed on a long business trip, leaving me feeling rather sad and full of longing.

It’s not just that he has gone away and I won’t see him for a month, but he’s also staying just 20 minutes from my hometown, in the part of the world I grew up in.

So I’m not just missing him, I’m also incredibly homesick.

I didn’t think I’d be this affected by it. I’ve got other things to occupy myself, like my son and all the exercise I’ve been doing lately. But I think the double hit of missing him and missing home is taking its toll on me.

A big part of me doesn’t want to be here right now, and I’m having a really hard time focusing on what I need to be doing.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

18 month check

09/05/2011 by PolyMomma

I took my son for his 18 month growth and development check-up and the nurse seemed to think he was doing rather well. She did, however, recommend sending him to a speech pathologist, as he is still not really talking.  I also am going to book him in for a hearing test.

My little guy has become a somewhat fussy eater. I am going to experiment today with adding vegetable purees (actually just organic baby food from a jar) to things. I made up some veggie ravioli and used ‘sweet baby vegetables’ as a sauce and made some ‘peas and zucchini’ into a tartare sauce for him to have with fish fingers*. I don’t even know if he eats fish fingers* but it’s worth a try.

I may have to start going the ‘Deceptively Delicious’ route and disguise the vegetables so he gets a more balanced diet. Then again, the nurse said ‘Just keep offering him healthy food.  Don’t give up and start feeding him chips and biscuits because it’s “the only thing he’ll eat”.  He’ll eat when he’s hungry enough.’

Then again, when he’s hungry he’s cranky and if I offer him things when he’s cranky, he is pickier. Then it spirals out of control. There must be other tactics.

‘Are you enjoying motherhood?’

‘Um…Sure. Of course, it was just Mother’s Day yesterday, so I’m a little biased.’

‘Oh yes. But in general?’

‘Yes. I’m fine. I have a fairly easy baby, so I haven’t got much cause to complain.’

Sigh…

*Translation for USA readers: fish fingers = fish sticks

UPDATE: The ravioli w/ veggie puree was a hit! The fish fingers were also deemed ‘Yumm’ but the tartare sauce was given a ‘Bleah’ and a :P.  I think it was too cold. I’ll try mixing it with his eggs tomorrow morning. He might like it and if not, I’ll eat it.

Posted in motherhood, parenting | Leave a Comment »

Mother’s Day is coming, what are YOU getting me?

28/04/2011 by PolyMomma

I have made it clear to those who know and love me that I don’t truck with Valentine’s Day. I’m also not huge on anniversaries and, like my husband, I feel it’s not fair to oblige your loved ones to give you gifts on pre-determined holidays. We don’t even do Xmas presents for each other (though we do our birthdays).

We are both pretty against the patriarchical notion of monogamy (duh) and the myth of the nuclear family and I generally think of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as two holidays cooked up to fill the dead retail months between Easter and Christmas.

But after doing a bit of research (on Wikipedia) I found that Mother’s Day has a rich history.

  • It probably started with springtime festivals honouring mother and childbirth goddesses.
  • It was started in the modern sense as a part of a pacifist movement after World War I.
  • Anna Jarvis, the woman who established it in the US did so after her own mother’s death, to create a day for mothers to be appreciated within their lifetime. Paradoxically, she never married and was childless herself. She became disillusioned after its commercialisation:
A printed card means nothing except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world. And candy! You take a box to Mother—and then eat most of it yourself. A pretty sentiment.
In other words, yes, the commercialisation of this holiday is atrocious.
But…
Being a Momma is HARD.
And today, as I am sleep deprived and at the end of my rope, the thought that just around the corner is a day when someone might bring me flowers, or give me a day to sleep in, or buy me one of these, or these, or these, or (OMG!) this, is just enough to keep me going, however foolish that thought may be.
(I’m not greedy, these are all practical. Well, except for the flowers, and maybe the t-shirt)
I know my son will grow to appreciate me, but I’ve got a few years to wait before I can expect any gifts from him. In the meantime, I’m just going to have to settle for cuddles.
UPDATE: Mother’s Day has come and gone, and my wonderful husband made the day special. I got to sleep in (also thanks to my little boy for actually sleeping through the night), he bought me a new pair of slippers and a Swiss army knife, and I got a garden centre gift certificate from his girlfriend. Yay! Also my paramour bought me cheesecake the day before which I saved until last night – score!

Posted in motherhood, parenting | Tagged , | 1 Comment »

Letter to my future employer

20/04/2011 by PolyMomma

My last post ended with the thought that when I begin my career as a teacher, I do not plan to be out amongst my co-workers. However, if it should come to pass that I am outed, or if I let slip my relationship style to a friend and it gets back around to my supervisors, I don’t intend to lie about it. This got me thinking. What would I say to my employer if they proposed that my relationship style made me unsuitable for a job teaching at their school? The following would be my response:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am polyamorous. You have discovered this fact, and I do not intend to deny it. The truth is, I am romantically involved with more than one person with the full knowledge, consent and acceptance of the people involved. These are the most important people in my life, and while I have tried to be discreet, my intent was never to deceive you or hide them from you. I understand if this situation is puzzling to you, and perhaps you find it confronting or even shocking. I hope you will consider what I have to say in my defence.

I make every effort keep my personal life separate from my work life. My activism and activity online is always under a pseudonym and while I am an activist for my lifestyle and other issues, I do not intend to allow that to enter the classroom. I am here to do a job, and espousing my lifestyle, religion and other beliefs do not enter into that.

The truth is, my love life is not much different from a single person’s. If I were a single person, nobody would be surprised to find me dating someone or if I had a series of relationships. Similarly, if I were divorced, nobody would think it odd that I had a boyfriend but still had contact with my husband and custody of my child. The difference is my relationships are concurrent. My husband and I are still married, still love each other deeply and profoundly but we also feel drawn to pursue other relationships individually as we did before we met. Loving someone new does not preclude us from continuing to love each other and remaining together for the rest of our lives.

I should emphasise that my relationships are not about sex. Furthermore, I am not a sex addict or a sexual predator and what goes on between consenting adults is none of the school’s business. If I were gay, and the school had a problem with it, I could file a discrimination suit. I don’t go around recruiting students or talking about my personal life to them nor is it my place to do so. My choices and activities have nothing to do with the school. What I do outside of school or behind closed doors should not reflect on the school, and I do my best to prevent overlap, as I stated before.

Furthermore, I try to live within strong moral and ethical guidelines, and that includes my personal life. I believe very strongly in honesty and fairness. I live by the Golden Rule, but more often the Platinum Rule, to treat others as they wish to be treated, which often takes more effort. I respect the autonomy of the individual, and the right to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness, so long as that does not infringe on the rights of others. I hold myself responsible for the consequences of my actions and I try to be a positive force for good in the world. These are values I think anyone can agree with, whether or not they agree with my views on relationships.

Additionally, because of the nature my relationships, I have learned valuable life skills that I hope I can model and impart to students. My relationship demands that I have all the same skills that are required for making monogamy work, but without the expectations and assumptions that come with following a relationship model proscribed by society. If students are taught “Just find that right person and everything will be perfect,” as they are told by the media, they will grow up without the skills needed to form a lasting connection. Teens should learn that a relationship requires effort and must be built over time; if they expect things to be perfect when they meet ‘the one’ they are going to be disappointed. All the skills I have learned in my relationships, as a monogamous person, as a single person and as a married, polyamorous person translate across the board to all relationships and I believe my students will be able to benefit from my experience.

I hope you will consider these points and continue to see me as an asset to you the team, rather than a liability.

Sincerely,

Me.

Posted in coming out, polyamory | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment »

Polyamory cards!

19/04/2011 by PolyMomma

Recently, as I may have mentioned before, I went back to work. I’m only working one to three days a week, but it helps.
On my first shift back at work, I was talking to a former, now current, co-worker and I couldn’t remember whether or not I had explained my relationship style to her. I decided to mention it anyway, and found myself derailing the conversation to explain myself.
It occurred to me, it would be nice to have a simple way of explaining it, or some sort of information card to give someone. While my co-worker was on her break, I quickly wrote up some key points on a bit of paper and handed it to her when she came back. She nodded and said, “Oh, ok. Cool! That makes much more sense now.”

And so, I decided to have some cards printed up.

A Polyamory Card

I ordered 250, which seems like a lot to me. If you’re in Australia and you’d like to order some, leave me a comment and I’ll send you an email with details.

I later found out that Joreth had the same idea, and provides a free .pdf for her version of Polyamory Cards to print out and hand out.

These cards should provide a little bit of clarity, and, as I state on the cards, can be a starting point for future discussions. I think have succinctly addressed what I find are the most common questions, and I think leaving sex down at the fourth Key Point will calm fears that I’m some sort of sex weirdo.

I’m wanting to be more ‘out’ amongst friends and people I care about and even some acquaintances, but as I’m going to be getting a degree in education and a hopefully a job teaching, I know in the future I’m going to have to be very careful. I already try not to talk explicitly about my sex life on this blog, but I know that as soon as someone hears you say ‘non-monogamy’ they instantly think about all the crazy, kinky group sex you must be having. Sex is tied up so intimately with morality in our culture that the idea of polyamory strikes some people as hedonistic and immoral. I really hope I can compartmentalise well enough to keep this side of my life separate from my career, and I really hope my lifestyle won’t affect my future job choices.  I also hope that I can be strong enough to stand by my choices and the people I love if faced with that decision.

Posted in coming out, polyamory | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

My New Beau

18/04/2011 by PolyMomma

I mentioned in my last post that I have a new paramour (that’s the term he’s said he wants to use).

Admittedly, I’m still in the NRE/limerance phase. But this relationship has some serious potential for the long term. We’ve been seeing each other for the last couple of months and things are still going very well. It’s his first time in a poly relationship and so far he’s been very good at expressing his needs, concerns and feelings about it. While he had his doubts at first, and he took a little time to get comfortable with things, he has embraced the situation fully. He even had his own copy of The Ethical Slut which he started re-reading after our 3rd date or so.

This is what he just said to me in chat:

“Part of what I find so appealing about our relationship is that a lot of the elements that could potentially happen in a monogamous relationship are ruled out by our setup. I don’t want children, I don’t want to get married again – ever – and I don’t want a girlfriend who would move in with me. Combined with your good looks, your caring nature, your enjoyable company and all the other fine attributes you posess have so far made this the perfect relationship for me. Unless something changes considerably I have a feeling you’re going to be stuck with me for a while.”

🙂

How awesome is that?

The fact that he’s not interested in having kids would be a problem if he hated kids, but he doesn’t. He gets along well with my son and is perfectly comfortable around young children. He is not afraid of changing nappies and he’s not put out if he’s staying over and it takes me a half an hour to get my son to sleep.

In fact, the fact that he is Childfree by Choice is quite comforting. I am confident that he is not going to screw me over for a potential ‘real’ relationship with someone who is monogamous. I am confident that I’m not ‘wasting his time’ when what he really wants is someone to have kids with. He’s happy to be a big part of my life, and even my son’s life, but feels no need to be a daddy.

And that is just fine by me.

Posted in families, parenting, relationships | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

I’m a busy Momma

18/04/2011 by PolyMomma

My posts have been few and far between lately, and this has been for a number of reasons. For one, ever since a certain attempt at dating went horribly wrong, I have had quite a few other things occupying my time that deserved my focus: holidays, play performances and getting my son involved in various activities. I’ve also had some pretty serious episodes of self discovery that made me take stock of certain patterns in my life which needed changing. There have been some major changes in my life, from a new paramour (a lovely lad I met on OkCupid) to the husband and me buying our first home.
Anther reason I haven’t posted is that I’ve been getting more involved in online Poly communities. It’s been interesting finding support networks in unexpected places. For instance, the online healthy lifestyle site, SparkPeople, has a small poly community. I started posting there a bit and I’ve met some really lovely people. I also signed up to FetLife, but have been mostly turned off by the overtly sexual photos people post (I’m no prude, but I just feel like I’d rather get to know someone before I see graphic images of their genitalia). I was recruited to join my friend’s secret poly group on Facebook as well, which has been incredibly enlightening and supportive.
I hope all of these things will mean I have more to write about. For now, I am open to suggestions for topics and will write about those about which I have an opinion when I have time.

Posted in motherhood, parenting, relationships | Tagged , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Flashback: My first love(s).

10/04/2011 by PolyMomma

In 7th grade I asked out a boy for the first time. (Well, I think I might have asked two boys out before that, but I can’t remember them really well. I’m pretty sure they asked me out.) His name was Brendan. He was really into Star Wars, was a great artist and was incredibly sexy. Being Latino on his mother’s side, he had an olive complexion and black hair, but his German/Irish father’s heritage had contributed his startling, light green eyes. He was my first real kiss. My first lots of things. I was intensely attracted to him and in retrospect, I probably scared the living bejeezus out of him. At some point he dumped me, or I dumped him and I still don’t remember why.
Then, I met Tony. Tony was Italian. He was a year behind me in school, but I’d read something he’d printed out in the computer lab and was impressed at his vocabulary and wit. He was tall and he looked like a very young Patrick Swayze. I was smitten, and asked him out. He said yes.
Later that spring, at the end-of-the-school-year party, Brendan told me he wanted me back. I was torn. I was still intensely attracted to him, but I’d only just started going out with Tony and I wasn’t sure what to do. I said I’d think about it over Summer break.
Then, over Summer, I went on a three week trip with my family to the Baltic. I had plenty of time to think about things. I sent a letter to Brendan. I thought about them both. I finally decided that I really did want to try going out with Tony before I made my final decision. When I got back, I went on a couple of dates with Tony. He and I got along famously. He was funny, he lived nearby, and he started to teach me how to play D&D. He was smart and cute and actually talked with me.
I decided that I would be with Tony.
And then, when school started, I broke the news to Brendan. I don’t think he took it well.
Then I spent the next couple of months dating Tony and things got very intense between us. Long hours making out in his room, his bed, the park after dark.
Then, just before Halloween, I found myself waiting after school with Brendan. There was still a connection there. I was utterly torn. Brendan and Tony occupied totally different parts of my heart. They were so different, but I was so into both of them. Feeling I had to choose between them, I began to resent Tony. I began to think of him as a barrier to being with Brendan. I started pulling away. I still liked him, but he began to grate on me, simply for not being Brendan.
Finally, I had enough. I ended things with Tony and broke his heart.
For the rest of 8th grade, Brendan and I had a legendary on again, off again relationship. We really weren’t at all compatible, but we were passionate and intense and we both loved Star Wars. Somehow that seemed like a lot at the time. Finally, at the end of the Summer after 8th grade, Brendan broke things off for good.
Today, Brendan is a videographer in Hawaii, married with twin boys. Tony is married and a chef in his father’s restaurant, and just had a baby girl.
It’s clear, looking back, that I was capable of loving both of these boys equally, and I wonder if things would have been different had I been exposed to polyamory, or at least not taken the monogamous model for granted. I caused quite a bit of heartbreak to both of them, and they to me. I was so young, but I still felt there was something wrong with the system if I had to choose to love one person over the other, when I clearly could have handled both. I think the assumption is that they wouldn’t have wanted to share me. Now, I know there are plenty of men who are able to share, however hard it is at first. Maybe teenagers are too young to handle polyamory, but I think exposing adolescents to the variety of relationship styles, teaching them relationship skills with a focus on honesty can only be a good thing.
It certainly would have helped me out back in junior high.

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , | 2 Comments »

Language barriers

02/12/2010 by PolyMomma

I like to think of myself as a good writer. At the very least, I try to be a careful writer. I steer away from ambiguous words, and try to illustrate my point in several ways (when I have a point, that is). This prevents others from taking what I write the wrong way, or inferring something that isn’t there.

These skills are also important in relationships. Since communication is so important, it’s also important to be clear in your use of language. Euphemism, innuendo, and vague word choices can set you up for some disastrous results. I wrote about this before when talking about how “sex” can even be defined differently depending on our boundaries or by the circumstances. Ambiguity is the enemy of art, to paraphrase Stanislavski, and it’s also the enemy of healthy communication.

For example, when setting boundaries, it’s important to be clear what you mean. Saying, “I’m not interested in a serious relationship” leaves way too much room for creative interpretations. “Relationship” could mean several things, and “serious” – what the hell is that?  The person saying it could mean ” I don’t have a lot of time to devote to a partner right now, but I’d be interested in an ongoing friendship with benefits,” but to the person hearing it, it could mean “I’m just interested in having fun for tonight, be gone before breakfast,” or vice versa.  Besides, you can’t regulate something like emotional attachment. Things you can regulate are concrete things like actions, time and space constraints and priorities. Rules that work are “No dates during the week,” “Never hook up while drunk,” “No sleeping over when I’m home,” or “My primary relationship comes first over any others.” There is no wiggle room on those. They are clear, concrete and well defined.

Another example is in reporting activities to a partner. “We fooled around” could mean just kissing to one partner, but to the other could mean oral sex. But in some cases, that phrase is acceptible if there is further information included. “We fooled around, but didn’t go very far. Just some touching.” That’s still vague, but it established some clearer parameters without getting into potentially uncomforable details: at least the partner knows that there was no oral or penetrative sex. Fair enough.

Clear communication means eliminating guesswork. Unless a person has all of the pertinent information, they can’t make an informed decision. And everyone has the right to make an informed decision.

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

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